The sober thoughts of a drunkie....

When it all boils down after my night is over, the texting has stopped and I'm alone in my bed it's you that's on my mind.

Blame it on the?

I'm currently having strong urges to be the big spoon to his little spoon. To listen to his breath as he inhales and just feel his warmth and my head last snuggled in his back. I can't believe this but um- I want to be his cuddle buddy.

Sheesh- I think I'll blame this temporary feeling of wanting closeness on all the jack I had tonight. This shall not become a pattern for Little Miss Sunshine.

Santa Baby I want a yacht- and really that's not a lot.

Several of my blogger friends have put out their christmas lists so I'll join in on the relationship un-related fun....

1) An email like this:

from one of my top choices for law school (note: this is not to imply Duke is one or that Duke is not one or that I even applied)

2)

These 5.7 inch beauties by Fendi. Currently on sale at Barneys- in my size :)

3)

Suede, Over-the-knee, 4.3 inches, Christian Louboutin- need I say more?

4)

Nylon Bag for School - Prada

5)

LongChamp Le Pliage for class

6)

David Yurman Lemon Citrine Bracelet

aaaand

7)

Tiffanys Trefoil key...

tis all I want for Christmas :)

You Know It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp....

There's been a lot in the media these past for months about domestic violence from Chris Brown to Elin Woods and let's not forget Chris Henry. It's the subject that up until recently (i.e. last 20 years or so) has been a house issue. You let the neighbors handle their business you handle yours. I will admit that I've sometimes sat by when I should of stood up. My personal investment occurred when I was in high school as I witnessed my best friend interact with a dangerously unstable male who one day (in my own house) picked her up and tossed her across the room. While my friends and I should of intervened we let them work it out (she eventually left). Today I was forwarded an extremely disturbing video that I feel might be all too often a regularity:

Point blank... she whoops his ass and he takes it. When I was a young little thang I would get upset with my boyfriend in the heat of a fight and dole out a face slap or two- never thinking twice about it. I had never seen a female relative hit their spouse but for someone reason thanks to television/movies I though that it was ok to do that. Once I got into college however it just didn't seem as necessary (although I did have to be pulled off a certain male by his frat brothers my freshman year after he was telling people that he had smashed... but that's neither here nor there :) ). I've gotten to the point now where I dole out the silent treatment (you'd be surprised how well those work) when I feel like I'm 30 seconds away from clocking my s.o. in the face. Then once I've chilled out we discuss it (like a mature relationship should work).

I don't believe that physical fighting leads towards anything good but repeated patterns and escalations but as far as the video is concerned... I also don't believe in standing down if it's for your own protection. She was throwing and kicking as hard as she possibly could and while he could be much stronger than her (despite his puny size) I'm sure nobody wants to take being beat. I'm all for responding enough to stop the situation- especially when you don't have a crowd around.

Lions, Tigers, And Bears...

ALL of my friends keep asking me what would be so scary about giving Terence a try if he wanted to give us a chance. I couldn't quite put my fingers on it but tonight while talking to some of my girls I realized....

I don't believe in fairy tales. He does.

In a serious relationship I'm not looking for my white knight (no racial) to sweep me off my feet and make me feel like a princess. Maybe if I'm casually dating I'm looking for someone who keeps my interest and sometimes that includes being Mr. Romance or Mr. Benjamin (i'll introduce him next post!). In a serious relationship I'm looking for someone that I can build a future with. Someone that I can see myself respecting the covenant that we created under the eyes of the Lord. Someone that I trust to not just have the "nature" input into our kids but the "nurture" too. Someone who won't cheat me and someone who makes me not want to cheat.

He's not like that. He likes the Cinderellas and the Snow Whites. The unicorns and the gnargles. The late night phone calls, romantic dates, i love you texts and fireworks going off everywhere.

What I'm really afraid of I guess is that I can't give him what he wants/needs and honestly there is very little that I would do to change me to fit him.

Never Lyin' - Truth teller...

Meet me halfway, right at the borderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

- "Meet Me Halfway" - Black Eyed Peas

On completely unrelated relationship news I think I have decided not to go to law school but finish my service commitment and re-evaluate my life after that. More to come...

Title courtesy of Rihanna's "Hard"

What's the feeling that I get?

You're who I desire, you light my fire

With every kiss, you take me higher

Feeling like your lovin' I just cannot resist

There's something that's makin' me hold on

All bets are off ladies and gentleman... I know I said T was gone but sometimes I'm just forced to eat my words and face the truth. Now if only I could say how I feel in my own words! Maybe I'll send it in a mixtape- that's more my style anyway.

Title and Intro courtesy of Chrisette Michele's "If I Have My Way" and "Is This The Way Love Feels"

So what am I then... cotton?

My guy friends tease me about my lack of "wifey" skills all the time. No I don't cook, I clean only when it begins to bother me (which happens to be quite often actually), and if you're expecting me to be up under you like my name is June Cleaver you will be sorely disappointed- I only dress like a housewife.

One of these might not be entirely true.

That of course is just the tip of the iceberg with me. I'm not Ms. Cuddlesworth or Ms. Late Night van der Calls... but this lack of deep emotional investment also keeps me from being Senorita BustYourWindowsOutYourCar! I never considered that a fault however- more just my emotional makeup. I figured that Little Mister Sunshine would popup and we'd live life in our own little comfortable cocoon. That would be until I met Terence...

As I've fallen back in my cyclical nature of liking him and not liking him I'm reminded of something he told me a year and a half ago... that something about me just didn't scream girlfriend material. Ok he wasn't that bold with it but that was the general premises of the conversation. I just don't... I just can't... well..

what the hell is girlfriend material?

I'm honest, I'm friendly, people love me (no really- they do!), I'm mature, I'm not clingy, I'm supportive, I'm caring, I'm capable of handling a long distance and long term relationship...

Just what am I missing?

***I also want to apologize for the vagueness of recent posts, unfortunately I'm still deciding how much to reveal because I'm not sure who all reads this blog and I made the mistake of being very public about it so until I finish investigating... vague it is!

Amazing what a day makes...

He wasn't playin' his day role

So we parted ways like Ben and J-Lo

I shoulda been did it, but I been in a daze though

lady sings the blues...

No matter how I think we grow

You always seem to let me know

It ain't workin'

It ain't workin'

................

And when I try to walk away

You'd hurt yourself to make me stay

This is crazy

This is crazy

- Lauryn Hill

sometimes i think my itunes knows me better than my friends do.

Apparently I can't resist change...

"The air is thick with emotion this weekend as the Moon enters passionate Scorpio late on Friday night. This is a sign of extremes where the power of desire overcomes reason or the fear of contact shuts us down completely. Major decisions could be made to transform a current relationship, or take more drastic action to find a new partner to satisfy the hunger for a deeper connection."

Lawd have mercy.

My life is a horror story...

Just admit that it's your goal this week to see me like this...

just.admit.it.

just call me ebenezer...

bah.fucking.humbug.

In case the memo was missed I'm not at all in a good mood right now. Not angry more like morose. Yes morose. I should of been born a robot because this being human shit is for the cot damn birds.

Don't it always seem to go...

What's a girl to do when she can't figure out which direction to go?

I feel like I'm at the fork in the road and there aren't many directions when it comes to going forward but going back seems like it might not be the best idea.

Maybe I'll just sit here till I figure it out.

Title Courtesy of Joni Mitchell "Big Yellow Taxi"

eeny meeny miny ho...

pretty sure the lack of this explains why I can't sleep before 6am.

Re*al*i*za*tion: the instance or result of realizing.

I have a habit of giving great advice. I'm logical with a spoonful of emotion and I love to take things from all sides when making my decisions and thus giving my fantastic advice. I also have a habit of not listening to this exact same instinct that guides that advice. Ignore the little voice screaming warnings and the tap on my shoulder for Little Miss You Should Know Better (madre to Little Miss Ut-Oh).

Unfortunately I've done it again. I've ignored the glaring obvious and tried to pin my thoughts on our little friend Hope. I knew the truth (well I guess it's what I expect is the truth) and I sat around and convinced myself that he was shy or that something about me/us is just difficult for him to deal with (not that I ever make things easy)... today I told 2 of my best friends that I've come to the decision to just drop it because I keep thinking about it. And of course that's what I go to bed thinking of. So I wake up in a rush this morning having had this horrible dream in which I woke up with the sudden realization that I wasn't doing anything more than spoon feeding myself a wish.

I kept thinking that perhaps as his age grew so did some semblance of maturity but then I realized the advice I'd give anybody else.... he showed who he was back then and as Coolio once said- "ain't a damn thing changed but only the year."

Story of my (dating) life...

you know just in case you were curious.

The world is coming to an end...

Make it stop.

Lost...

"... Sure that would occur in a normal world, but our

relationship occurs in wonderland and I'm Alice.

It's ass backwards..."

Walk the line...

The perfect "summing up my life right now quote":

i'm just taking this period to contemplate people

worth saving and people worth dumping and i'm having a

hard time figure out where he stands.

Title Courtesy of Johnny Cash "Walk The Line"

And Everybody Says Girl Why Can't You Just Leave It Alone...

Forget sex, I invented hiding emotions. I have a box down in the pit of my stomach that I keep under lock and key. when it's no longer convenient for me to care about someone or something I take the feelings and bury them in this box never to see the light of day again. It has a downside- I can be a bit uncaring and rude but it's all in an effort to make sure I don't lose sight of my key. But then there are those trying time in life when I realize that I'm not the best keeper of keys (just ask how many Duke IDs I had in undergrad...) and perhaps I've given a few or lost a few and others have picked them up....

enough of the metaphors though.

I like to get rid of those things that make me awkward and often irritated- namely feelings. So it's an absolute horror story when I notice out of the blue that my little box of hidden emotions has been leaking and I'm starting to feel those things I put deep within. Now I'm at the point where i'm second guessing every decision I'm making and needing confirmation that I'm heading down the right pathway because pathos is not logos, and it's the emotions that get me in trouble. I've been trying to ignore the signs that he's sending, trying to clean up the signs that I'm sending and in the process driving myself a bit up the wall. I guess if I were to learn a lesson from this it would be that you have to deal with your feelings in an emotionally mature way and not hide them because the truth will come to light but...

when have I ever listened to myself?

Title Courtesy of Ne-Yo's "Let Go"

Written in the Cosmos?

During my search for wisdom in the universe I came upon this little gem:

The passion of the Sun in Scorpio deepens when Venus enters this sign starting on November 7. Feelings deepen and relationships grow more complex with the love planet in enticing Scorpio. Desires grow stronger, but jealousy and enmity can stir feelings of revenge. Clearly, getting even is no way to get ahead, because the wounds of romantic disappointment are only healed with more love.

I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. The Universe is watching.

Le.Friggin.Sigh.

Sometimes when I fall asleep at night I imagine us cuddled up under the abundance of the down cover. Your shirtless back pressed up against my chest. My head nestled in that little crook right below your neck. The smell of your cologne escaping through your skin and your ribcage moving up and down to a silent rhythm. For this moment all is right in the world.

It's nights when I begin falling asleep thinking of this that I grab my pillow tight and just realize how wrong things are...

No tricks just treats!

Hope everybody had a fabulous halloween...

I realized today that while my blog's main purpose was to make my snide and sarcastic remarks about the general state of relationships and dating I don't actually share any of the dating I do. Mostly because I don't do it lol. But I think things are starting to pick up a bit after meeting Mr. D (not that kinda d!) and the re-introduction of Terence.

So I'll give you a teaser as we plunge into this the next few weeks:

Mr. D. Met him tonight (yes tonight lol) at the club. I don't normally give my numbers to guys I meet at the club and by don't normally I mean never unless you throw the party and I need the hookup. He however was very polite, VERY cute, and from outward appearances seemed to have his sh!t together. And he was dressed like Carlton- who doesn't love Carlton? So he sends me a text after the club to let him know that I've gotten home safely. And when I let him know? He quickly hit me back to say that he wants to take me out this week wherever I wanna go. Ladies and Gents- I think we have a pledge :)

Finally Terence, won't go into too much because I think I addressed it in a previous post. But lately he's been pouring (more like soaking me) on the hints about how he's interested in being a pledge (in my dating sorority of course!). In addition to the other day, he makes little comments that warrant a different kinda pause and actually make me feel uncomfortable. I know that he's a sensitive soul, he just hasn't really been the most sensitive with me, so when does the sensitive thing it gives me goose bumps. Anyhoo we've been having a lot of long conversations about life and how things have changed and we're making plans to do dinner next weekend so erum- this will just be something to see. I know a lot of my friends are either very excited to see what happens or hoping that I'll gather the strength to push him into the Atlantic.

So those are the two I'll try to keep yal updated on every once in a while...

Dry as the Desert...

Still no post. I'm going to try it tomorrow as I just finished my midterm two hours ago and I've been trying to figure out what to wear since I don't like my halloween costume. So I'm now in between a girl scout/mad men/ and susie from the rugrats. Susie is winning :) Anyhoo I found this funny and thought I'd share- Happy Halloween Folks!

Been a long time- shouldn't of left you...

It's been a WEEK since I've blogged last I feel kinda weird like I have untapped stores energy and emotions. Blame it on midterms- I've been swamped with exams, projects and PAPERS for the past two weeks so it's been rough. I promise I'll have a blog either tomorrow or saturday about interracial dating (which of COURSE I'm a fan of- otherwise I wouldn't exist!), til then I'll give you a cartoon that is pretty much a sneak peak into my current dating situation.

Title courtesy of Aaliyah "Try Again"

Double Donderdag*...

* Donderdag is Thursday in Afrikaans.

So I don't usually do doubles but since I've been awake til past 5 for the past 4 nights I figure I should write about what's been on my mind. I don't regret being single- sometimes I think that it's allowed me time to hankerdown and focus on me and figure out what I want and need from my future relationship(s). It allows me to work on being the best girlfriend that I can be because how do I love Little Mister Sunshine for who he is whilst I'm still trying to figure out who Little Miss Sunshine is? That being said, there are still some perks I miss...

* Forehead Kiss: Nothing says I love/like you like a forehead kiss. No matter how badly my day was going one of those always made me feel like all was going to be right in the world.

* Couples Vacays: The sun, the beach walks, the adventure and exploring, the kissing in the moonlight, the vacay she-bangbang...

* The Television Lap-Head Convo: Watching tv or even (sigh) a football game with your head rested comfortably in his lap is just... sigh almost makes me feel sensitive or something.

* Lame Dates: Even when the introductory magic is gone it's nice to have those lame cheesy dates that remind you of when he was still in the "impress her mode."

* Late Night Phone Calls: Gotta love that "you hang up" "no you hang up" "Okay we'll both hang up on the count of three..1.2.3." "wait are you still there?" "yeah I am..."

* Spooning: I used to hate cuddling but I will admit that there's something special about laying across a man's chest and hearing his heart beat or my favorite **gasp** snuggling up behind your man with your head in that little crook in his back and inhaling his cologne... (mini swoon)

*Forking: Well as we all know spooning leads to forking! Nothing like a good ole regular forking session.

Last but certainly not least...

Just being with that special someone! I really kinda miss having someone to talk to about any and everything. Someone who knew when I was freaking out even I was trying to hide it. Someone who I couldn't wait to find out about the minute details of their day... Someone I enjoyed making smile.

Okay okay- enough of the mushy gushy. Back to the real worlds with ya!

We Want Pre-Nup?

So before I start this blog (and even the intro to the blog) let em introduce Terence. A now acquaintance but former errr **bang buddy** for over three years, he was someone who made me want to tear my hair out, kick and scream, and possible bust the windows out of his car (if he had one) for the way that things went down b/n the two of us.. It was years full of lies, manipulation, general fuckery (on both sides) but alas- it's time to grow up in both age in maturity. ..

So anyhoo- he texted me the other day and after I decided to stop being rude to the loaded harmless questions he was asking, I decided to lay down exactly what it was that I would be an acceptable list of rules for us to continue with our burgeoning friendship. For me, establishing a baseline that was necessary for us to carry on kinda sparked a thought or two... can we draw up these same type of rules and regulations for successful relationships?

For instance, I jokingly made up a contract for sex buddies that I was saying I was going to ask everyone to sign.. a confidentiality and guideline for hook-ups that ensured the success of all parties involved. If I were to have a dating contract what would I include? I'll pick out five for right now because I don't think I could actually ever create one...

a) Check-Ins to discuss whether or not the relationship is useful to us (no clue how often)

b) A bare minimum of weekly swexy times...

c) No bitchassness... (if I don't call you every day please don't look at me like I'm suspect)

d) A date a week (we don't have to go anywhere but def some "just us time")

e) ... I've ran out of things. lol. I'll work on it.

What would you put on yours?

Title courtesy of Kanye West and Jamie Foxx's "Gold Digger"

Double Up On The Java

The only thing I hate worse than thinking about things when I'm awake...

Is being unable to sleep because these somethings/someones are implanted in your subconscious and it's FIVE THIRTY-NINE IN THE MORNING.... eff people and their trying to come back from the land of the dead!

Best I Ever Had?

I haven't had a long list of partners- in fact I don't even need a pair of hands to count them on but I don't think that means I'm inexperienced. I guess that really comes down to whether your consider quantity over quality or even your definition of 'quantity' (partners? amount of times doing the do?)...

This being said I can easily identify the all-stars and the one that needs to be benched for the rest of the season (i.e. LIFE). One of my guy friends protested my ability to make a ranking system of guys, some mumbo jumbo about being ethical and being the best "for the moment" - bah. But I think it's pretty universal that you can know whether or not a partner deserves a standing ovation or a razzie award. Now I can't say for sure that I can put an a-z ranking order on guys but I can tell you the valedictorian and the college drop out. And for guys who think this is unfair (I'm not going to say it's because you've been ranked at the bottom of the totem pole...) just think about what it means for your success. If Katie and Keesha hadn't heard about your skills from the streets do you still think you'd be getting those "thronx me tonight" text messages and honesty box posts? No. They know because somebody told them that you were good at what you do. On a biological note rankings exist for the same reason stereotypes do- your brain just can't take the information overload. So you brain categorizes to simplify and make life easier for yourself for future reference. Think about it, if you weren't able to mentally assign some score to your sexual partner would u know whether or not to have sex with them again? once again- nope. You should be thankful for that.

So if I need to call Tio for that spine re-aligning BBO or Kingston for his tear producing tongue skills than so be it- don't blame me, blame my evolutionary mental faculties.

My friend and the psychic...

So I was talking to my friend Aubs over the weekend about how I like being single right now. It suits my lifestyle, selfishness, and time schedule. I just could really use a body in bed sometimes- not like that. I will admit to enjoying a good cuddle every 6 months or so. Anyhoo- she suggested that what I needed was in fact was to find the right guy who I'd wanna take from part-time to full time position.

ummm si se dices pero....

I like being single! Why is it that people find it so hard to believe a woman wants to be single? I don't wanna call it a double standard but sometimes psychology beats biology my friends!

---------------------------------------------------------

In totally partially related news Aubs and I went to do some fooling around with a psychic the other day (what can I say we were traveling through Georgetown and she was doing readings for $5) and she zeroed in on my love life (personally i'd rather talk about my finances - or lack of) saying that my next boyfriend was already in my life and I was just ignoring it (okay lady thanks for the specifics). As soon as I thought that she gave them to me and said that I was so busy giving all the reasons that it wouldn't work that I ignored the reasons why it could. That could be interesting IF I wasn't fine being me, myself, and I right now.

Maybe I'll see her the next time I get finnicky and want a boo- I'll let her point him out.

Squad Up!!

If I never say anything else about my guy friends let me just note...

Every girl needs a good guy friend (or an A-team as I call J, Dre, and Chris) who just tells it to her straight no sugar coating. And every guy needs a good girl to tell him when he's just being someone ruled by his lower half. I appreciate my team because I can take any and everything to them and get exactly what it is that I need to hear and not just what I want (not saying my girls do this but guys tend lack errr tact). So today I send a message out to my team (cuz I know you three read it) and say thanks for being you. Even during the times when I wanna...

Let the Spirt(s) move ya...

Pussy's only Pussy and I get when I need it...

Yeah I know Drake said it about women but I'm going to say it about men. For the most part I will admit to treating men like dick (or tongue rather) and not like human beings. I go back and forth more than a windshield wiper in a storm. I like him today, I don't like him tomorrow... I think my bff and I use to call it Man-ADD back in college. I just CANNOT focus these days- my mind has a short memory span and those closest to it get the attention.

For the most part I've always treated guys as temporary objects to fulfill a certain need (food, orgasm, company, etc), and most of my friends would say I probably still do but what's the issue with that? I mean I get that there will be a long term issue that will arrive when I decide to settle down and all of the "good men" that I've used and tossed away like an old hankie don't wanna be bothered or are already married (at the rate my classmates are moving-sheeesh)but until then- what's the harm? Why can't guys be like buses?

Anyhoo I digress as this post was about ME. I think that the biggest issue I have when it comes to love is a) Hard Shell b)Man-ADD c) "pseudo" only child syndrome.

So from the top... My first significant relationship involved a guy I fell head over heels for and it worked until he went to college and well- distance didn't make his heart grow fonder. So to get through the pain of being hurt by him I just decided that I was gonna become a hard shell and just use guys when necessary and move on. So now that I've grown up and began these so called adult relationships a big part of me just doesn't believe that I can give my heart to a guy and not have it jumped on. So I don't even really try anymore.

The progression of my hard shell kinda made me look at guys differently and now I can't really focus. I'll like this guy for a week or two (maybe even a month if he gets lucky) but then I'm just kinda looking for something else or someone else does something that catches my eye. It makes me feel kind of bad cuz there are some genuine guys who deserve a longer look but I just can't do it. I find something wrong about the guy and I harp on it til I've gotta find someone new. I'm working on it- k?

Finally- I'm not an only child. In fact I'm the oldest of 4. But I'm at least four years older from my next sibling and as kids he'd rather play with my sister (who is 2 years younger than him) so I spent a lot of time alone as a child. In plain letters: I like being alone. I don't like cuddling (ok ok with some guys), and I really don't like sleeping with other people. In fact for the longest time (up until about 6 months ago in fact) I believed that my perfect marriage involved separate bedrooms or at least the 1950's "let's push the beds together to bang" situation. I thought my weekend boyfriend was a genius idea because it allowed me to be with someone and then take my space when it was over and gear up before our next rendez-vous. As much as I'd like to think that as I grow and errr mature that'll change I'm thinking nah.

Why you ask?

Cuz dick is only dick and I get it when I need it.

Dream a little dream for me..

My friends will tell you about the early morning texts/BBMs/IMs they get from me about my latest dreams. Now I might check my horoscope at the end of the day, and I've done the tarot thing once or twice (or so), but I do believe in dreams. I mean how hard is it to believe that your mind deals with things that your conscience won't deal with in the day? Anyhoo I digress...

So I when I first started to have some inkling of feelings for my friend I would have these cutesy little dreams of us hanging out and kissing which amplified the thoughts I was struggling with in the day time. I realized perhaps it was real- I liked him for real for real and my head was confirming the fact.

Then as the time went forward and I tried to get my friend out of my head (and OH how I tried) my dreams just upped the ante with these UBER emotional dreams of cuddling, and dancing at a wedding (we were attendees not bride and groom)... and I woke up really happy til the reality of life slapped me in the face.

Finally I picked up the resolve to realize that our friendship was greater than any interest I might of had/have. Many thanks to a good friend who helped me see that I'm just too finicky (or as another great friend put it 'coquettish') to attempt to pursue a relationship that could turn out long-term- because I'm just not a long-term gal. Truth be told I never saw us in my dreams as long term. It all kinda just faded out after law school.

I think it's because I'm really just not long-term right now. I'm in companionship 101 mode and being selfish and as a good friend to him I know that's not what he needs and for me to even say something like that would be rude, inconsiderate, and down right not friend like. So I spent the last week spacing myself from him in order to get my mind right and do what was good for him and us and not just me.

So I had my first dream about him yesterday during my nap and it was a sex dream! I jumped up and down cuz it was amazing (the dream was good too hehee) because I think I've decided that I was just looking for someone to cuddle, kiss, and spend time with and I just kinda blurred the roles with him because he fulfilled some (if not all) of the requirements here and there.

It's interesting to me the way dreams can pull out realizations.

I just call em as I see em...

My bff Andre just called me coquettish... for once i"m not offended because I think he might be right. More on that tomorrow... today is light-hearted.

The Audacity

"I should crack you right in your forehead...

Let me take a breath and regain my composure

Told you one more time if you f'd up it's over"

- "It's a Wrap" Mariah Carey

Now I'm not saying it's a trend or anything but if you let the male members of our species get away with something - they will continue to do it. Give em an inch and they will run a mile like Usain Bolt. I don't mean to stereotype because there are some very reputable young men working hard to clean the path that their fellow brethren have sullied- those just never seem to find their way into my dating history.

Last night I received a 3 part text message concerning the revelations of an ex(mumble*mumble) who realized that he had been treating me wrong for x amount of years and I'm a good person, smart, beautiful yada yada yada. That having seen me recently reminded himself of where he went wrong in the past and could we please find some time to hang out and talk.

** insert blank stare here**

I don't even know how to go about responding to this. At this point nearly 24 hours later I haven't still. Like what the hell? You think you can play the disappearing act- check in once in a while an think that suddenly because you've had an epiphany that I'm suppose to thank my lucky stars that you've decided I'm good for dating right now. GTFOH.

To make things worse guys like to act like this world isn't small enough already- just like how you've figured out when I start dating so that you can make your "check up text messages," I know about your failed attempts to get at her, her, and yes I even know about her. So please hunny save the second best- i choose you speech for somebody who has never met you before. And spread the word- women are on to you and your kind.

No Words Edition Week 1

Can't Make Up My Mind...

"Back in the day we were in love

we're not in love anymore

But some days I sit and wish we was in love again."

Lyrics courtesy of Mariah Carey's "Candy Bling"

A day in pictures...

Sometimes I get violent inclinations even when I have nobody but myself to blame... I'm dealing lately with whether or not to tell someone that I have feelings even when I know the answer and even when I agree with the answer. But I'm not one for changing the natural order of the way things are right now... I feel like a pouty 6 year old who just can't seem to get her way these days. In that spirit:

Admit that the waters around you have grown...

When I was younger I couldn't wait to grow up. I always looked at my older cousins and thought about how cool they were as they stood in front of the mirror doing their hair or putting on make-up for their dates. Little did I know that I'd be sitting here wishing I was young again.

I think I've officially gotten too old for casual dating. Not the casual "friends" with benefits or just dating random guys on the weekend but moreso the let's date and not worry about where this goes. The dating for "no term".. not the short term and the long term but just dating without trying to put a limit on the time and where things are going. It seems weird but I was just thinking about the guys I liked in college... I wanted to date them and to have someone there for as long as college was around but after that I didn't really put out for long term plans. One of the guys that I like right now I think he's amazing, and smart, and funny (amongst other things) but out of all the dreams/daydreams never once has it been one of us getting married or being in any type of relationship pat a few years. It's not that I think that I'm uncaring or jaded- it's just I think that I'm at a point where a serious LTR relationship just doesn't fit into the works.

Maybe it's just me- do people still enter into casual relationships?

Title Courtesy of Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin"

no title necessary.

what to do when you can't decide what to do?

When you don't know if the truth will set you free or set you back. When you could easily lose it all as you could win it. When going forwards is just as easy as going backwards.

Oh what to do when you can't decide what to do?

Relationship Math...

If I were to run a regression- what would be the statistical significance? Any omitted variable bias?

a great friendship + emotional connection x exclusive sex a few times a week if you’re lucky or month = a “relationship”

I'm just curious because if this explains more than 80% of the variation in relationship data then I'm somehow missing something... besides the obvious someone.

Equation courtesy of the blog "Three Ways To Take It" March 2, 2009

Now you know the Paper is an around the way heartbreaker...

very hot date tonight....with my daddy that is :)

My dad reminds me of one those "on paper" phenomenons where you would make the perfect match with someone if I didn't need to be interacted in real life. He's intelligent, has a resume like woah and yet... meh. I won't go there but it does make for an interesting transition (and somewhat awkward) to the Paper Boy.

I think that I have a tendency to fall for "paper boys," guys that would fit the Barack to my Michelle, the Cliff to my Claire, or more recently the George Lucas to my Melodie Hopson. I wind up with these guys that I'm attracted to because they have the qualities that I think are necessary for my future mate and then as the road winds and something is just not there. It becomes I can kiss you but I can't date you or I can date you but I can't be in a relationship with you or once again more recently I can be in a relationship with you but I can't marry you.

What's the deal with finding guys that should technically be so right who end up being so wrong? Is there a better way of defining what it is that I'm looking for in a guy so I don't end up with a bunch of dead ends or do I try and ignore what my head is telling me in search of going with my heart? I really despise the latter route as it go against EVERYTHING I've ever taught myself about how to function. And if I do ignore my head is there to a way to make sure I don't end up like the girls you hear about from back in high school? Oh you know the "oh she fell in love with him girl but now they livin in the street while he works on being a rapper..."

bah. Where's my book with all the answers?

Title courtesy of Ditty "Paper Boy"

Ran My Three Miles...

I love to run.

I love to just hop on the treadmill (or the Washington Duke Trail when I had that luxury) and just run as hard as I can for as long as I can til I can't breathe anymore. And then I run some more. Running is no stress. You aren't busy thinking about a million other things. It's just you and the pavement. I need my music though. If I don't have my music instead of thinking about the lyrics or the beat I'm busy focusing on how I'm quickly running out of the breath or all the homework/studying I have to do (which coincidently also makes me feel that I'm running out of breath)... Give me my good playlist of extreme gangsta rap (hey Nas) and silly songs with hype beats (shout out Soulja Boy) and I'm good to go for almost an hour or two.

This morning I was on the treadmill and just started thinking about everything in life. How I seem to have somehow fallen for someone that I can't let myself like, and how I can't seem to fully get with the program with someone that I love and I just started to cry*. Crying of course activated my nostrils and I couldn't breathe but my body just did not want to stop.. I had a goal of hitting 5k and my head just kinda went into auto-pilot. I thought to myself that if I could get my body on auto-pilot to run when I feel like I can't go any further I should be able to auto-pilot myself to keep it moving when I just emotionally feel like giving up.

*I was in the gym alone btw- no worries about looking crazy.

Title courtesy of Vivian Green "Emotional Rollercoaster"

I'll Close My Eyes, Then I Won't See...

I just want it all to stop. I am so tired so tired of it all.

Tired of the dating and the relationships, people getting married and having kids, and mostly falling for guys I shouldn't and not falling for the guys I should. Sometimes I feel as though I'm a disaster train heading straight for the cliff and I'm the only passenger on it.

My ex came into town and I practically RAN from any type of conversation concerning us and the future and if we were going to get back together. I was able to hold off until the end when he asked me about the next time we were going to see each other and I said that we should take it little bit by little bit. I didn't want to hurt him at all but sometimes I feel like I need to listen to my head and not my heart (per my post a few days go). That's not the only situation where my heart is winning the race and even when I try to stop listening to it my head just kinda lays down for the fight - like Marquez Saturday night. My heart takes over my subconscious and sneaks into my dreams and I'm happy when I wake up until I realize that it was just a dream and I couldn't even go there if I tried.

Sometimes I just want the world to stop spinning so I can just sit down and clear out my head. This isn't a call for Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now.. this is a request for everyone else to just stay away.

Title courtesy of Prince "I Can't Make U Love Me"

And I heard 'em say...

Rumour has it our dreams reveal our hearts deepest desires.... personally I think it's alcohol.

On a related note: shoutout to my dear dear friends who keep me from "say[ing] something where you gone end up apologizin"... specially when i've been imbibing on that "nectar" I owe you much much much.

Title courtesy of Kanye West "Heard 'em Say"

It's no sacrifice- It's just a simple word.

So last saturday I was dipping heavily into the liquor pot at Bar Louie in Chinatown with my good friend Mags just catching each other up on life. After discussing her disappointment in the fact that I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years I informed her of the fact that he could potentially be moving to New York (he's a Londoner) for half a month- every month.

"Perfect" she exclaimed, now you can choose a law school in NYC and you two can be together!

**pause**

"What if I had my heart set on going to school in Los Angeles (or Chicago, or China)?"

"It's all about sacrifice, he's sacrificing living in London to be with you and you can sacrifice for him."

Later that night as I drunkenly climbed into bed I stared at my ceiling and thought to myself: how much does one sacrifice before one finds themselves somewhere they really don't want to be? Now I'm not saying this is me and I'm sure at least one of my friends would be willing to say that I don't make very many/haven't made very many sacrifices in this relationship. To me however, I think I'm coming close enough.

I'm not use to sacrificing and compromising, yes I'm one of 4 children but I'm the oldest and the wisest and the most motivated so I tended to get my way as a child. I really only compromised on things that were of no importance to my bottom line. So now at 23 I'm being asked n a relationship to sacrifice things that I have considered a major part of me (getting married when I can afford a nice wedding and perhaps a down payment on a lovely house in Kensington or Notting Hill, focusing on my career and not running around taking Baby Sunshine to ballet class) and I just don't know if I'm ready to do it yet. Shoot if I'm mature enough to do that... no matter how much I love him.

Yesterday I read an article in Glamour in which the writer (a male) had fallen in love with a woman but then she decided to move half way across the world and so they broke up. It gnawed at him though and he decided to leave his job at glamour to go to where she was. That really blew my mind. The concept of dropping everything to be with someone that you consider "the one."

So I thought about all this last night, got down on my knees in front of my bed and prayed that God would send me a signal indication the direction I needed to follow as I couldn't hear over the noise of my head and heart fighting...

This morning I got a fee waiver from one of my top schools- conveniently located on 116th and Amsterdam. Upper West Side. New York City, New York.

Title Courtesy of Elton John "Sacrifice"