Little Boxes Made of Ticky Tacky

  So I just calmed myself out of panic attack that came from nothing (as most of them do) and I was thinking about when I have them most. You'd think that would be when they involved school or work and you'd be correct. I have them deepest though when I start thinking about emotions.

I'm not an emotional person (she says again) I like my logic first. So in a relationship or situation I never have problems speaking my mind in that I will tell you exactly what I think but rarely will I tell you how I feel. Thinking (in the personal setting)  has essentially turned into does this mess with my education or career? AKA are you taking up too much time with your drama, needs, etc. So my thinking response is that. My feelings on a subject? I don't know. I'm like Dumbledore in Harry Potter only instead of putting thoughts into my pensieve I put in emotions. So in my head I've imagined a series of little small black boxes. Each with a different emotions about a person, interaction, relationship.

So how does this work in the panic mode? Every once in a while I'll have to go in search of a feeling or someone will trigger me and not only will that box spring open but they will all open up. Like dead souls rising to take back revenge in my mind and I can feel it. My chest tightens up and my heart beat quickens and I'm just running around inside myself trying to close up boxes and stuff emotions back in them.

Emotions- wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.

The Revamp

 M:  i don't doubt that, but why would you want to?

 me:  It's sex. It's good sex. It's there.

 M:  i just feel like he had so much power over you, that I don't get why you would go back there

 me:  He's not my problem.

like I'm done letting guys mental states be my mental states

after D completely lost his ish i began to realize it's not me.

I'm amazing. I'm smart. I'm really smart.

and I work hard.

And i may not be a supermodel but I'm attractive

And i'm funny

I'm worth it.

And I may not be worth it to D or B

but both of them are insane.

in.sane.

D is a psycho

B is just depressed

but that doesn't have ish to do with me.

not my headspace

I will leave this space and I will either get engaged to KB or some other wonderful man

but for now.

for now

now I get my rocks off.

And I do i just for me.

And I do it until all of my rocks are off lol

Let's not call it poetry

today i laid in your spot still warm from your body's possession
sheets entangled with your cologne and scent of our love making
I wrapped myself in those memories
your body pressed against mine
your head caught in between my legs as I grabbed the edges of the bed crying out in ecstasy
the feeling of your lips against my skin and hands on my breasts as you guide me into place
the rhythm the bed made as it groaned beneath the weight of our passion
I can't help but smile while I lay in this spot
waiting for you to return so new memories can be made.