"Curiouser and curiouser!"

“Then you should say what you mean,” the March Hare went on.

“I do,” Alice hastily replied; “at least—at least I mean what I say—that’s the same thing, you know.”

“Not the same thing a bit!” said the Hatter. “Why, you might just as well say that ‘I see what I eat’ is the same thing as ‘I eat what I see’!”

“You might just as well say,” added the March Hare, “that ‘I like what I get’ is the same thing as ‘I get what I like’!”

—Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

For My Own Damn Good

I've got a random collection of musings...

a) exes are exes for a reason. when those reasons involve extreme asshole tendencies- i should frequently remind myself of so. Especially before accepting airport dinner dates

b) does weight affect dating? twas a topic of conversation today on titter and let me chime in quickly... being a plus sized lady myself (don't you hate that word? I prefer plumplie) I haven't heard to my face that a guy wont' date me because of my size (save for a friend of mine who pointed out in a random conversation that the largest girl he would date was a girl who turned out to be about 3/4 my size- not that he would be the top of my dating list anyyyway but still **ouch**). Am I certain that it's probably decreased some of the pull I've had- sure. Is it something that I'm aware of and working towards fixing- sadly yes. But not for guys. For my love of fashion that after my last "pound pile on" has escaped me a bit. I'm not one of these chicks that say- well my man is going to love me no matter what size i am- because I wouldn't love my boyfriend if he gained a large amount of weight and I wouldn't date someone who was much more larger than I (in less it was muscles). So since I've said before I don't ask for what I'm not- I guess I have to get down to what I'm asking for.

c) I'm shy. Now that does affect my dating and it often turns guys off. I get hit on a lot and usually in places that I'm not expecting and I get kinda nervous about answering and conversing (especially if he's cute)... I'm working on it because I don't want to seem off putting and snobby (which is how I'm sure it comes out).

d) I often put people into molds they cannot fill. I was telling my friend that sometimes he says things that I find to be hurtful and at times borderline cruel (see b) and yet he doesn't see them that way and I wonder if I just have too much hope for our friendship. Like deep down inside I've been hoping that he'll understand when somethings are out of line (at least by the time we approach our 10 year friendship) but then I wonder if I'm asking him to be something he's not. Maybe he's just not the kind of guy who is going to give a f!@& and I need to recognize that and decide if I can deal with that and we can be friends. It's truly not fair for me to put a burden on him to change who he is fundamentally. I need to learn that. Sigh I guess today is just a list of things I need to work on huh?

They Call Me Mellow Yellow

I went from Angry Black Woman yesterday to Senorita Emo today...

I've come to figure that I am at war with myself for my feelings for Terence. The part of me that's over all of this back and forth nothingness is full of deep seething disgust at the part of me that's still holding on for God only knows what (fear? stubbornness? hope?helplessness?)... and its' tearing me up inside. I won't go in so far as to say I'm anal (for I have met people truly deserving of that title) but I'm quite annoying when it comes to how I like for things to be put together, fronts united, decisions made, and plans finalized. I know better. I know I know better. I know that I would never allow any other guy to treat me this way and I have in fact deleted others for less but I just can't seem to shake him. So now I'm laying about feeling stupid for caring about someone who can't make up his mind or takes fun in torturing me (in which case Karma PLEASE catch up to him). It was so funny today that as I was driving back from class and thinking about it that a song came on that said EXACTLY what I was feeling inside. I love the way the world works sometime.

Oh, this was a [...] phenomenon no one could explain

And I wish I could press reset and feel that feeling again

I sit and press rewind and watch us every night

Wanna pause it, but I can't make it stay

..........

No need to call my phone 'cause I changed my number today

And matter fact, I think I'm moving away

Sorry, the frustration's got me feeling awake

And I just keep having one last thing to say

And I just wanna hold you, touch you, feel you, be near you

I miss you baby baby baby

I'm tire of trynna fake through but there's nothing I can do

Boy I can't wait to hate you

I can't wait to hate you, make you pain like I do

Still can't shake you off

I can't wait to break through these emotional changes

Seems like such a lost cause.

I can't wait to face you, break you down so low

There's no place left to go

I can't wait to hate you

I can't wait to hate you

Cause right now I need you

I can't wait to let you go

- H.A.T.E.U Mariah Carey

Why So Serious?

I don't like pandering to stereotypes but dammit if I haven't been the angry black woman lately

I have no legitimate reason to be overly angry at him... no reason as in X was done yesterday to make me feel Y... but a general feeling of discord and wanting to ring his neck are OH so present. And yet- I'm still here. Feeling quite stupid. But I feel like if I put it out into my blogverse that I'm angry, and feeling abused/misused/unappreciated, and yet part of me still hopes that this situation will resolve itself- that you my readers will continually call me out. I've gotta break this bad habit... like 5 years ago. Maybe I'll stop being so angry and actually put on a smile...

You think enough would be enough...

It's been a while since I've written but not much has happened. Lola and I are going to start our dating exploration in march and I've been too busy to meet new men or keep up with the old ones BUT... that does not mean the old ones are not keeping up with me. I've kept in touch with Rupert quite a bit because- well he's Rupert. But I vowed to take a break from Terence until I could get him to realize (on his own) that I wasn't just something to be handed to him. Just when I finally thought that he had come to that conclusion (oh and he asked if I was mad and I told him yes) he quickly reminded me tonight that... he doesn't want it. I'm sticking to my if he wants it he'll work for it and el lack of ANY type effort on his part (especially when he had the world being put into his hands this weekend) makes it quite clear to me that he finally needs to be dropped without a single more thought.

back to one.

I don't wanna spend my life thinkin what it could be like...

When I was with my ex I used to wait until he fell asleep, slip out of bed and sit on a chair in the living room. I sat and stared out the window at the people coming and going: the group of teen (loudly) making their way home past curfew, the girl in the black trench with her boyfriend munching on eggrolls, the older woman with a bag from tesco and a phone glued to her ear.

I wasn't adamant about not going to bed, but I constantly wondered if that was the right place for me. I wanted to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing, that I was the type of girl to spend her summers in London laying on the top sheet staring at the dark all around me and not feel alone.

Now that I've shed that relationship skin I find myself back in the dark reassuring myself that I'm not that girl. That I'm the type to spend her snowstorms under piles of covers with the silence calling her back to bed. I keep telling myself that this is right. That love isn't hard. That I should have to go through emotional trials and pep talks to keep myself there. Or maybe that's what my friends are saying (after a while the conversations that I have with myself melt with those I have with my friends and I forget who's talking).

At the end of the day I wish I knew what right felt like so I don't automatically categorize everything else as wrong. Maybe this thing isn't easy.... maybe it's simply like all other things that are so gratifying when you work for them. Maybe I should stop maybing and start doing.

If..

If my emotions were written into a poem it'd be quite long

If they were weaved in a fabric it'd be a million fibers strong

If they were encased in a few musical notes it'd be the sweetest song.

more on this tomorrow.

Only In A Perfect World

Me: I said I was going to wait until I was 28 but erm it would be nice to have a non "official" man

J: You and this part time lover

Me: you would think that it would be so easy but men at this age are all about the relationship. sheeesh. Maybe my boo needs to be 45. recently divorced.

J: and with a viagra prescription

Me: well my part time lover can most certainly be different from my part time boo. lover can be a young thronxington bursting with stress he needs to pound out after a brutal work day.

Me: boo can be a lonely man looking for the company of an attractive, smart, young woman.

Me: oh in a perfect world.

A social experiment...

I'm not sick of being single but I'm sick of being alone. Capisce?

My friend L and I constantly complain about the lack of attractive (to us), single, educated men (we are colorblind)... but I just can't believe that in the big ole little city of DC that there are NO men out there. I think that rather we haven't been looking in the right places- after all our routine is pretty cyclical- metro, work, metro, class, metro, home-not good for meeting men (although I have had some luck they just aren't the ones that I'm trying to meet). Plus add that ever since the forcible removal of Terence (and the lack of action for the rest of my team)- I'm gearing up to revamp my roster.

Thus I am thinking of starting a little social experiment for me and my girl L. In the month of february we shall explore DC's supposed hotspots for meeting eligible bachelors and I will report back what occurs. Who knows maybe we can get a good meal and conversation out of this- or at the very list some funny stories for yal. I'm going to list some of the suggestions made by friends but if you have anymore please pitch in!

Social Experiment Mapping Plan

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Congressional Softball Team (way to meet cute staffers)

Sports Bar - RFD

Happy Hour

Coffee Shop

Speed dating

Ivy Plus Alum events

Friend referrals