The sober thoughts of a drunkie....

When it all boils down after my night is over, the texting has stopped and I'm alone in my bed it's you that's on my mind.

Blame it on the?

I'm currently having strong urges to be the big spoon to his little spoon. To listen to his breath as he inhales and just feel his warmth and my head last snuggled in his back. I can't believe this but um- I want to be his cuddle buddy.

Sheesh- I think I'll blame this temporary feeling of wanting closeness on all the jack I had tonight. This shall not become a pattern for Little Miss Sunshine.

Santa Baby I want a yacht- and really that's not a lot.

Several of my blogger friends have put out their christmas lists so I'll join in on the relationship un-related fun....

1) An email like this:

from one of my top choices for law school (note: this is not to imply Duke is one or that Duke is not one or that I even applied)

2)

These 5.7 inch beauties by Fendi. Currently on sale at Barneys- in my size :)

3)

Suede, Over-the-knee, 4.3 inches, Christian Louboutin- need I say more?

4)

Nylon Bag for School - Prada

5)

LongChamp Le Pliage for class

6)

David Yurman Lemon Citrine Bracelet

aaaand

7)

Tiffanys Trefoil key...

tis all I want for Christmas :)

You Know It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp....

There's been a lot in the media these past for months about domestic violence from Chris Brown to Elin Woods and let's not forget Chris Henry. It's the subject that up until recently (i.e. last 20 years or so) has been a house issue. You let the neighbors handle their business you handle yours. I will admit that I've sometimes sat by when I should of stood up. My personal investment occurred when I was in high school as I witnessed my best friend interact with a dangerously unstable male who one day (in my own house) picked her up and tossed her across the room. While my friends and I should of intervened we let them work it out (she eventually left). Today I was forwarded an extremely disturbing video that I feel might be all too often a regularity:

Point blank... she whoops his ass and he takes it. When I was a young little thang I would get upset with my boyfriend in the heat of a fight and dole out a face slap or two- never thinking twice about it. I had never seen a female relative hit their spouse but for someone reason thanks to television/movies I though that it was ok to do that. Once I got into college however it just didn't seem as necessary (although I did have to be pulled off a certain male by his frat brothers my freshman year after he was telling people that he had smashed... but that's neither here nor there :) ). I've gotten to the point now where I dole out the silent treatment (you'd be surprised how well those work) when I feel like I'm 30 seconds away from clocking my s.o. in the face. Then once I've chilled out we discuss it (like a mature relationship should work).

I don't believe that physical fighting leads towards anything good but repeated patterns and escalations but as far as the video is concerned... I also don't believe in standing down if it's for your own protection. She was throwing and kicking as hard as she possibly could and while he could be much stronger than her (despite his puny size) I'm sure nobody wants to take being beat. I'm all for responding enough to stop the situation- especially when you don't have a crowd around.

Lions, Tigers, And Bears...

ALL of my friends keep asking me what would be so scary about giving Terence a try if he wanted to give us a chance. I couldn't quite put my fingers on it but tonight while talking to some of my girls I realized....

I don't believe in fairy tales. He does.

In a serious relationship I'm not looking for my white knight (no racial) to sweep me off my feet and make me feel like a princess. Maybe if I'm casually dating I'm looking for someone who keeps my interest and sometimes that includes being Mr. Romance or Mr. Benjamin (i'll introduce him next post!). In a serious relationship I'm looking for someone that I can build a future with. Someone that I can see myself respecting the covenant that we created under the eyes of the Lord. Someone that I trust to not just have the "nature" input into our kids but the "nurture" too. Someone who won't cheat me and someone who makes me not want to cheat.

He's not like that. He likes the Cinderellas and the Snow Whites. The unicorns and the gnargles. The late night phone calls, romantic dates, i love you texts and fireworks going off everywhere.

What I'm really afraid of I guess is that I can't give him what he wants/needs and honestly there is very little that I would do to change me to fit him.

Never Lyin' - Truth teller...

Meet me halfway, right at the borderline
That's where i'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish

- "Meet Me Halfway" - Black Eyed Peas

On completely unrelated relationship news I think I have decided not to go to law school but finish my service commitment and re-evaluate my life after that. More to come...

Title courtesy of Rihanna's "Hard"

What's the feeling that I get?

You're who I desire, you light my fire

With every kiss, you take me higher

Feeling like your lovin' I just cannot resist

There's something that's makin' me hold on

All bets are off ladies and gentleman... I know I said T was gone but sometimes I'm just forced to eat my words and face the truth. Now if only I could say how I feel in my own words! Maybe I'll send it in a mixtape- that's more my style anyway.

Title and Intro courtesy of Chrisette Michele's "If I Have My Way" and "Is This The Way Love Feels"

So what am I then... cotton?

My guy friends tease me about my lack of "wifey" skills all the time. No I don't cook, I clean only when it begins to bother me (which happens to be quite often actually), and if you're expecting me to be up under you like my name is June Cleaver you will be sorely disappointed- I only dress like a housewife.

One of these might not be entirely true.

That of course is just the tip of the iceberg with me. I'm not Ms. Cuddlesworth or Ms. Late Night van der Calls... but this lack of deep emotional investment also keeps me from being Senorita BustYourWindowsOutYourCar! I never considered that a fault however- more just my emotional makeup. I figured that Little Mister Sunshine would popup and we'd live life in our own little comfortable cocoon. That would be until I met Terence...

As I've fallen back in my cyclical nature of liking him and not liking him I'm reminded of something he told me a year and a half ago... that something about me just didn't scream girlfriend material. Ok he wasn't that bold with it but that was the general premises of the conversation. I just don't... I just can't... well..

what the hell is girlfriend material?

I'm honest, I'm friendly, people love me (no really- they do!), I'm mature, I'm not clingy, I'm supportive, I'm caring, I'm capable of handling a long distance and long term relationship...

Just what am I missing?

***I also want to apologize for the vagueness of recent posts, unfortunately I'm still deciding how much to reveal because I'm not sure who all reads this blog and I made the mistake of being very public about it so until I finish investigating... vague it is!

Amazing what a day makes...

He wasn't playin' his day role

So we parted ways like Ben and J-Lo

I shoulda been did it, but I been in a daze though

lady sings the blues...

No matter how I think we grow

You always seem to let me know

It ain't workin'

It ain't workin'

................

And when I try to walk away

You'd hurt yourself to make me stay

This is crazy

This is crazy

- Lauryn Hill

sometimes i think my itunes knows me better than my friends do.

Apparently I can't resist change...

"The air is thick with emotion this weekend as the Moon enters passionate Scorpio late on Friday night. This is a sign of extremes where the power of desire overcomes reason or the fear of contact shuts us down completely. Major decisions could be made to transform a current relationship, or take more drastic action to find a new partner to satisfy the hunger for a deeper connection."

Lawd have mercy.

My life is a horror story...

Just admit that it's your goal this week to see me like this...

just.admit.it.

just call me ebenezer...

bah.fucking.humbug.

In case the memo was missed I'm not at all in a good mood right now. Not angry more like morose. Yes morose. I should of been born a robot because this being human shit is for the cot damn birds.

Don't it always seem to go...

What's a girl to do when she can't figure out which direction to go?

I feel like I'm at the fork in the road and there aren't many directions when it comes to going forward but going back seems like it might not be the best idea.

Maybe I'll just sit here till I figure it out.

Title Courtesy of Joni Mitchell "Big Yellow Taxi"