Double Life...

If I don't post here it's because I'm busy posting... here.

My officemates/friends/classmates asked me to do a daily blog of what I wear to work so it's a work progress... just like my relationships.

Which reminds me....

I might be up to something crafty. I was going to say that crafty wasn't the right word but crafty is the EXACT word. We'll call if crafty feeling protection slash man buffer. I'll touch base on this subject saturday :)

The Second Choice Act of 2010

So there's a guy I'm kinda feeling- GT. By kinda I mean that when he's around it's exciting- when he's not I'm not stressed over it. My perfect "kinda." So after a confused saturday (filled with the inability to pick up the phone and call but instead confused ourselves into a tizzy via multiple misinterpreted texts)- we were chatting today (via text AGAIN) when he informed me of something that I've known all along- I'm a second choice.

Now when I first told my cousin Soli about this she was all chikitita you need to drop him like he's caliente. Which normally I would agree with if I wasn't second choicing him myself. I really see him as temporary entertainment. He's cute. He's funny. He's smart. but he's temporary. Given him or Terrence I'd probably pick Terrence (ok more than probably). When I really think about it- everybody the past few years (minus Rupert) has been a second choice. Can't be with him? O-k-k-k I'll pick you.

It's an awful place to put people in and it's not right because ultimately you end up comparing Man #2 to Man #1 and even if Man #2 is awesome- you'll take the shortcomings he didn't even know he had out on him. I've tried to be cognizant of this in choosing potential partners but I'll admit I'm coming up quite short. I think it's even gotten so bad that I've been selecting guys who can't measure up (no pun intended) because I don't have to worry about them swooping in and taking his place. Which at this point is both counterproductive and not much fun. It's also gotten bad enough that much like GT- I've picked guys who can act as a temporary substitute when I need to break the mode.

It's another one of these Little Miss Sunshine's good advice but lack of compliance examples. Story.Of.Life.

Not Safe For Work...

But PLEASE watch when you're feeling down- it will kill you.

Good Versus Bad

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater...

My friend "j-full" as he likes to be called did an interesting blog on why men cheat so as reformed serial cheater myself I thought I'd toss in a short version of why women cheat.

1. We're better at it than men.

On a whole I think we've mastered down the spy techniques that men so foolishly run into and we use those to make sure we don't leave tracks. Up until my last relationship (the only guy I've never cheated on- smh) I was a master at cheating with someone and not getting caught til guilt got me and I called myself out... but that brought up something else

2. There are no repercussions.

Every guy I cheated on never dumped me. They all needed time to "think things through," or they got angry, or they wanted answers but nobody ever sat my behind down and said - pack ur ish up and leave.

3. Because we can.

thick lips, hips, tits, ass like a mofo.... we don't have to stand outside for longer than 3 minutes before a member of the male species comes up to try and take us somewhere. And that's without trying. You thought Beyoncé was lying when she said she could have another you in a minute? oh trust- it's not just Lady B.

4. Revenge.

Back in my younger days I dated a little fellow who had cheating in his genetic blueprint and I decided that he wasn't going to be the only one dipping off (although he was sexin ladies and I was still a virgin)... he made his bed. And I took the opportunity to lay in it.

5. He's not fulfilling his obligations...

Sometimes your man just does.not.get.it. He can be perfect in every way but in the bedroom. You can train him, guide him, shoot tattoo instructions next to the va-jay-jay and he still underperforms. So- women will slip out to get someone to adequately slip in.

6. In either form.

Sex can be emotional for a woman. No surprise there. It establishes a connection between herself and her partner. So if a mate is not at home making that emotional connection with his girlfriend/wife don't be surprise if she seeks out ways to get this connection- yup in the physical.

Now i'm not rationalizing and saying that cheating is right for any reason but as a young'n I've been there and hopefully I'll never go back.

Random Musings...

Nobody I've seriously liked has been someone new. They've all been guys I've met, decided I wasn't attracted to, friended, and then became attracted to over time. So I refuse to be downtrodden if my dates turn out to not be worth my while.

Mmmmm. Sex. Mmmmmm.

I wish I could on vacation with a guy for a few days to a nice island where we can wander through small towns, and take walks late a night, cuddle on the beach, and kiss in the moon light.

Mmmmmm. Vacation Sex. Mmmmmm.

Lance and Reggie single? It's about to be a harem in the streets.

Mmmmmm. Lance and Reggie Harem Sex. Mmmmmm.

Clearly my next date will be from a guy I meet on the train. I've met 4 guys on the train this semester. Might be an idea there.

"I guess I'll see you next lifetime...."

Did I mention sex??

Different Shapes- Same Cloth...

A friend and I were talking today and I mentioned how I was soooo physically attracted to this guy K. K is someone that I wouldn't normally go for based upon looks but we seem to mesh really well and he has 95% of the qualities that I would find acceptable in a mate but those other 5% that he has means we would never work. I considered it sure but at the end of the day all I really wanna do is.... well that's not safe for daytime television.

Then there is T who I want to kiss and snuggle and hold hands but he's emotionally vacant. My friend reasons that I'm so physically attracted to K because he has the qualities that I would like to fold into T. The honesty, the open communication we have, etc...

Guess that means I'm not exactly over it huh?

Katt Williams is on to something...

Not sure if everyone has seen the Stacey Dash/ Wendy Williams interview where Stacey admits that she had to have a man tell her she was beautiful...

UMMM WHAT?!?! <--- I'm pretty sure encompasses the a majority female responses to the clip (hence why it made so much of a splash on the blogosphere). Stacey Dash is amazingly beautiful. Her body is on point, her skin hasn't cracked, her hair is fly. She looks at 44 what most people want to look like at 24 (or am I just speaking for myself here? lol). But finally she cracked... she admitted that despite how she might look to others- to herself she wasn't beautiful enough. When I first heard it I thought of the Katt Williams quote where he said "Bitch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your mothafuckin' self. How am I gonna fuck up how you feel about you..." Not knocking Stacey Dash or anything because we've all had those moments where a picture, a comment, the ending of relationship, or an ill fitting dress made us question ourselves- even if only for a moment. But that's where it needs to stop. For a moment. If you're so focused on your flaws that you can't recognize what you have- it's going to cause an issue for you that's greater than a relationship. It's going to cause issues with your respect for yourself, how you go about your day, and in some cases it can create true friction in your psyche.

I guess that since this is a relationship blog of sorts I can say that it does turn into who you attract. A "5" girl can look like a "7" with confidence just as easily as a "7" girl can look like a "5" without it. I keep this is my head when I realize that I can either shirk away from my physical issues that I find hampering or I can celebrate those things that I find wonderful (the latter outweighs the former)... and those things that I find bothersome I'll work on fixing. Until then...

Perhaps Katt Williams is on to something- you decide how you feel about you.

All The Single Ladies...

My friends half seriously joke that I'll be alone for the rest of my life (or a product of many marriages) because I have a tendency to be selfish... but I really take those conversations to heart.

I don't want to be alone. I don't think anyone does... but I'm a work in progress and I do wonder if by the time I would have finished some of my "self help" projects that it'll be too late to get on the married and have kids bandwagon. Between the discussions on twitter, with my friends, and on various other blog sites throughout the cyberworld I have to wonder if I should just be setting myself up to deal with failure. When I was younger I staked out the "forget love and emotions" territory as a means of protecting my heart from the heartbreak that rolls through high school... now I'm thinking I might have to re-enact that by believing that I can get all my needs from my career. You know, as a back up. Like if my love life doesn't work who cares because I have my career! But then I wonder if it's a double edged sword. If I get so thick into my career that I miss the opportunities of love that await me... even the unfinished/work in progress me. I could just not think and just do me and see what happens....

but we all know I can't just let that happen.

A horse is a horse is a horse- of course!

Petite updates for the crew...

Cancelled my date with "Howard"... he's cute but he's super busy and i'm super busy. And I'm no longer feeling him.

Terence is showing back up in my radar- of course it's only to ask for something. I'm trying to keep cool and be nice but urrrr I am not your personal 411. Really. Get a grip on yourself.

I saw Preacher on the metro today (well rather he saw me and jumped into the seat next to me) and let me just say- how could i forget how CUTE he is. Geeeeze Louise! Well I texted him today after like 6 months of us not speaking so we'll see how that goes. He gave me the tinglies and I was kinda phasing back to the cute times we've had. Le sigh. I hope I'm not getting soft.

and last but not least I've been in constant contact with Andy/Rupert and let me know today in our 2 minute wrap up convo that he has stopped seeing his latest "female friend." Won't say I'm excited but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't refining the look of my engagement ring... **holds out hand**

Trust me.

Everyone says I tend to overreact... I wish they would just know that I KNOW when I'm right.

Eff yoooou.

Yes you cosmos. You. For knowing me so well.

You are aware of the potential love that's in your life, but may be frustrated in your efforts to make it real. It might even feel as if someone is pouring cold water on you while you are attempting to soak in some warm rays of sunshine. Fortunately, there is a silver lining to the dark cloud; knowing the truth makes you more powerful than believing in an unrealistic fantasy.

Po Lil Tink Tink

Little Brother is the summation of my life right now:

"I want a girl when I want a girl. And when I don't want a girl I want a girl who understands that."

I'm starting to get those lil inkles of human companionship that pang even the most stone cold heart every now and then. I wouldn't mind someone to hang out with, watch march madness with, kiss, fall asleep with at night. But I know it's not where my focus should be if it should ever be there. I vowed to myself that I was career first at all cost and I can't stop til I get to where I need to be- to be comfortable in who I am.

Nevertheless good to know I'm still human.

Battles....

I will not "fight" with a girl for a man.

Not because I assume that I'll automatically win but simply because it's never that serious. Although winning never hurts.

All The World's A Stage...

Act 3, Scene 29.

(It's early in the afternoon and a young black lady sits in front of a computer with her hair in a prim and proper chignon to match her outfit. On the other end is a young white man in a blue striped button-up, half unbuttoned leaning over a computer ruffling his hair.)

Me: So umm... how are things. You know, over there and stuff. And um... well. her.

Andy-Rupert: Yeah well, we're still.... dating.

Me: good to hear...

Andy-Rupert: I suppose.

(The two stare at each other through computer screens for a brief moment. The young lady excuses herself and walks out of the sightline of the computer to do a jig.)

End Scene.

Something Like Amazing.

It's amazing how a little information can change a mind. a perspective. usher in a realization.

It's amazing what people will say when they think nobody is listening.

It's amazing. amazing.