The Truth of the Matter Is...

when the money is gone, when the house is dust, when the silver is tarnished, your word is all you have.

All. you. have.

and when you mess that up you're dealing with nothing. I've always believe that. I've always remained certain that if I said what I meant and if I did what I could defend (whether it be right or wrong) that I could always feel safe in who I am.

But what do you do when people misinterpret what you say? What do you do if your word is A, and it's heard as B, and you can't defend B?

I'm stuck in this ground where I'm tearing at myself for wanting to defend what I had to say and what I did because I know I was doing what felt right for me. I want to express so badly how what was said and heard was not what I intended but I'm stuck. I'm stuck because it's important to me that my lasting impression is the correct one, but I also don't want to kick a dead horse to get there. What am I to do? What.am.i.to.do.

Gotta Be...

I love to dance. Not just your friday boogie either- I love lacing up a pair of pointe shoes (see above) and moving across the floor. The dedication and concentration that's required to be accurate makes you block the rest of the world out. The only thing that matters right then is whether or not you'll make that 6th piroutte. With all of the stuff I'm winding down from (master's program) and getting ready for (law school-eeks) and dealing with (ugh- don't make me say it) I decided that I needed to pick back up an old friend- a lot. So I've decided to audition for a summer intensive next thursday. The class starts the first week of june is 8 weeks, 2.5 hours a day, 4 days a week. Can you say EXCITED? So I've been musing around looking for a song the past week that I can put enough emotion into to dance my heart out to and it came down to Regina Belle's "Dream in Color" and Des'ree's "You Gotta Be." Des'ree won over simply because of the pace to coordinate a cool allegro. In the same vein however the lyrics are just really up for how i'm feeling these days...


Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

It Ain't None of Ya Friends Business: The Case for Keeping Shut

Picture it-Sicily 1922....

But really... remember when you were little, on the rug in the classroom and your teacher wanted to tell you about the perils of gossiping? How everyone sat in a circle and the teacher whispered something to Mike, who whispered something to Susie, who whispered to Akili, and by the time it got to Jack it sounded like something else? Well imagine that it's 17 years later and what you said to Laura was spoken to Ann who talk to Don who then told Sam... same result. Telephone is the funniest game in the world when you're a child and a potentially dangerous one when you're an adult.

It's for this reason that I am now a strong advocate of keeping your friends out of your relationship/potential dating dealings. Not to say that you can't use your friends to get at guy on their FB friends list (oh I've seen it done) but actually telling someone your thoughts on a situation can back fire in your face. I'll use a personal example- I relayed a story and my feelings on it to a friend. I put the situation at strength 3. She took at strength 5 and translated to another friend as such. This friend then took it from 5 to 7. So by the time the story got back the person the topic was about (and myself) it was on code 10. and Oh I mean code 10. Now realizing that it was at a code 10, neither me nor the topic of my conversation took to talking directly, instead we picked up the mythical "telephone" again and let stuff escalate.

I think if I had kept my mouth shut about the situation I wouldn't have the drama that I'm currently dealing with now. I think at most I would of had a level 4 and that's perfectly fine. My telephone situation isn't the only reason to keep your friends out of your business sometimes- but sometimes your girls are wrong. A lot of my friends call me for advice on situations but truth is I'm not always right. This is fine for those that always take advice with a grain of salt but the fact of the matter is very few people do. Especially if you're sitting in a hen situation (men do this too) where everybody is talking about the topic and building off of each other. You start off slightly ticked with your boo and then realize that when you lay down that night you're steaming. Nothing has changed but the word of your friends. Some are legit and see things for what they are, some have their own baggage their translating to you, and some... well some don't qualify as friends and just want to "hate" on you and your relationship.

Point blank period. You can't control what happens once something leaves your mouth. But you can control what you take in and what you put out. And sometimes- friends just don't need to be privy to that process.

you've gotta be kidding.

how.how.how. did you manage to singlehandedly* KILL my pre-graduation happiness?















*since you had to type to do it i guess it's twohandedly but still- the sentiment is the same.

Can't Cry

I'm known to be finnicky at best. Like I said yesterday- one day
you're in the next you're out. So with this being my modus operandi I
never stop to think about what would happen if I actually got what I
want. Let's take Terrence for example. Now that everything is dead and
done (like no friendship (I've decided) done) I can spend some time
(read: the time it takes to write a post) thinking about my errors
there and where I would of corrected myself. While that is another
blog for another time- I can also think about what would of happened
had our conversation gone a bit differently. Would I have wanted to
ultimately be in a relationship? Could I see him as someone that I
want to spend my life with (since apparently at my age that's the
purpose of dating)? Simply, no. When my friends would joke about us
"belonging together" I would laugh and say no. It wasn't just me being
shy about my friend's jokes- I truly only saw us dating for a moment.
Enough to squash the urge/curiosity but T was never someone I
envisioned myself sitting next to and teaching our kid to read. Not
even in my head when I fell asleep at night.

I say all this to say that I've been reaching these past weeks to make
myself cry or be upset and it just won't come. I've come to figure
that I can't cry because the emotion just isn't there. I don't care
like I thought (or sometimes still think) I should. I think this all
boils down to the fact that I didn't see any future invested in him
past this summer. Not that T is some horrid person but we don't
approach relationships same and what would have made us great friends
(would because right now I really don't see a point at which I could
make a friendship based on honesty blah blah blah) would not have laid
the foundation for a good relationship. Not that I'm sold on a
relationship right now but if I were to get in one it would be because
I see potential for us in the future. Not the case here so much like a
virgin with reason- I'm saving myself and my heart.

Let's Be Honest...

Can't move past if you refuse to step aside.