Exactly who is using who?

skype.

My locale for communication these days. abroad. sometimes lonely- mostly satisfied with listening to myself. evaluating, planning, remembering. walking through the darkened streets and singing my own version of adele. haunting lyrics of memories "you had my heart inside your hands." maybe a bit too much to drink but I just want to sing it. I need to let it out.

So here we sit on skype. face to face. she knows my soul and where to look for answers i swear i cant find. i tell her of my epiphany today. that i allowed myself to be used by him, and by him. by T and by K. that I expected the former but was still disappointed in the later. nearly a year later and still somewhere, somewhere not deep down inside I was holding onto the burning red spot on my face where he had smacked me. I was used. used. used.

"really?" she replied. "I was always confused there as to who was using who."


And once again the mirror shows all we cannot see alone. busy playing victim when I had my blame. kisses on the neck, on the belly, far below. kisses of pleasure and licks of desire. moans not aimed at each other but for ourselves. seeking relief from some pain caused by another that only a similar soul could understand. that's what we were- using each other. The sting from his emotional slap is still there on my face but now it's hard to distinguish which he is he. somewhere in the embrace the lines became blurry and the definition lost.