Foolishness

Just when I thought I couldn't find the song to bring tears to my eyes it pops up in my iPod. Very appropriate.

Lessons from Gossip Girl

Now I will be the first to admit that television is not always a source of good advice- especially a show about the lives of the rich/bored/dramatic. Tonight however Blair said something Chuck on Gossip Girl that resonated with me- that you can't pretend like an event/relationship/emotion never happened. You won't move on and moving on is about you not him(or her). Sometimes it's ok to cry and revel in a feeling for a while and then when you're ready to move on- do it. I couldn't both agree more whole heartedly nor feel a certain renewed sense of self.

weird I know right?

I think I've been refusing to deal with the fall out from my feelings by simply telling myself that they don't exist. But they do exist and ignoring them is only repressing them. I may not cry about (i've tried- i'm dry as an old well) but I can't sit around and pretend like he didn't exist or wasn't a significant portion of myself. I've got to face it- the good and the bad and prepare to use that to fuel me to move forward. Being stationary right now is just as bad as moving backwards. And that ladies and gentlemen is TRULY all I am going to say about him.

El Stress De Life

It's finals. I'm behind. Love life sucks. Real life sucks. I'm stressed. I'm asthmatic. Bleh. Usually if there is one thing I can count on it's my ability to put together an outfit that soothes my mind. Yesterday for the life of me I couldn't and in a slightly amusing and scary moment I found myself surrounded by jeans singing my version of the little mermaid song...

Look at this stuff- isn't it neat?

Wouldn't you think my collections complete?

Wouldn't you think I'm the girl- the girl who has everything?

I've got Dolce and Prada a plenty!

I've got Von Furstenburg and Moschino and more...

Want Seven Jeans? I got twenty!

But who cares- no big deal.... I want more

sigh. I'm cracking at the seams

Just one...

If there is one thing I hate in this world it is being the last person to know something... oh and one more thing I hate- friends who sit by and allow me to be that person. I'm trying to hold it together but this is going to be a rough week. Indeed.

Monogamy= Agony???

All men are not against monogamy. Don't believe me- check it. In the same vein we know that all women are not pro-monogamy either. But why? What is so bad about monogamy.

Absolutely nothing.

I'm sure that some will argue that if you truly love someone you don't have to worry about being dedicated and devoted to your partner but let's be honest- that's bullshit. It doesn't work. It won't work for 99.99% of the population. Like every other aspect of a relationship- sole commitment takes work. I've previously stated in my cheating post that I have had one relationship in which I was faithful. I can even pinpoint why- it was important to me, despite the difficulties, to remain committed to someone that I wanted to be committed to me. If I felt the urge to kiss someone else- I sat myself out and thought about the repercussions. What would my boyfriend say? Even better how would he feel? How would I feel? Is a moment of lust worth giving up everything I'm fighting for? My decision would usually fall under not worth it or just break up. And we did. A multitude of times.

Despite my history- I support monogamy. I support making difficult choices in the face of easy situations. I understand that your partner will make you mad and that lovely buxom lady at the front desk has such a great ear for listening but you have to realize that a relationship is more than just the here and now. You're together with someone for the purpose of deciding on making a life long commitment- not just to get regular pumps. If you feel like that isn't enough to make you stay faithful to your partner- the thought of building a lasting partnership- then you shouldn't be in one. point blank.

My best friend used to call me at insane hours of the night telling me about his urge to bang the millions of ladies who were all on him once he crossed his fraternity, but how conflicted he was because he truly loved his girlfriend. I told him that he needed to either let her free and bang like a rabbit or realize what he has and work on figuring out why it is so important to let her be the only one. After all - I'm sure he would of burst a blood vessel if he thought that she was out running up with half of UPenn's campus. It's not just a one way street. I'd also like to point out that after one failed infidelity attempt he realized what he had done- worked his behind off to get her back- and they are getting married in July. He's told me so many times that thinking about how she walked away from him, how other girls were just there for a passing moment, and how difficult it was to get her back has solidified for him that she's his rock.

I support monogamy and you should too. It saves money (ask Nas), lives, careers, families, and just makes you feel all warm inside. All I ask is that the next time you get the urge to cheat on your significant other think about what you have to lose and make smarter choices.

FYI...

I'm taking a hiatus from dating/relationships/boys...

After a series of unfortunate events (culminating in Saturdays embarrassment)I've decided to hanker down and refocus on things other than boys. I plan on commenting on things relationship related (i.e. tomorrow's monogamy conversation) but as far as my personal life- it's on hold until the summer is over.

the VERY last post on this subject...

This don't make no damn sense

and for that reason and that reason alone I'm outtie 5000.

Unthinkable: girlfriend versus wife

I got a text message once from a guy I was interested in letting me know that he didn't see me as "girlfriend material." Won't lie- it hurt.... bad. But after the crying and the "Smoking Cigarettes" on repeat ended I was left with some thoughts.

I think that I'm girlfriend material. I actually thinking I'm good girlfriend material. Am I wife material? nope. I still have a lot of growing to do (professionally, mentally, and SURELY emotionally). But can I be there or my boyfriend to support him, uplift him, teach him, and listen to him? yes. Am I willing to learn from the lessons he gives and our relationship provides? yes. Can I be faithful and commit myself to a relationship that allows us both to grow? yes.

Those I think are the basics* behind a good relationship foundation. A foundation that when created and maintained and built upon in a strong relationship lead to a strong marriage. I can do these things. I do believe however that marriage adds a bit of practicality to things. Can you cook, clean, rear children? Can be responsible with money, bills, time? Ultimately can you fully submit to your partner (and the deep level of trust and respect that is enacted in that commitment)? In terms of my personal self? nope. In additionally to being a sure simpleton in the kitchen, I haven't learned the art of submitting to my man. One such example would be my adamant refusal at this point in time to take my husband's last name. A favorite of mine mentioned to me Monday night that she was excited to take her finacé's last name because in addition to it uniting them- it represented her move from her past to her future. From her father's house to her husband's house... and while I can't say that it changed my mind it certainly made me sit down and think about what giving up your maiden name truly means. But I'm still not there yet. I don't mean submitting as being subservient but moreso as the bible instructs in Ephesians 5:22, 24:

"Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands... for the husband is head of the wife... Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in everything."

Not the submission in the sense of master and slave but of a woman who recognizes the ability of her husband to lead but still be his partner. To work in the same direction and not in a self serving manner. I'm not there yet. I'm still feeling out who I am, where I fit in and I can't work towards the permanent building of a home if I can't find someone to share goals with. I certainly can't share goals til I pick them but I can work with someone to figure out what my goals are. And that ladies in gentleman is what makes me girlfriend material.

and you know what- for now- I'll take it.

pretty much.

I'm not going to write you a love song...

because you

asked for one.

cause

you need one.

may feelings burn in a slow hell.

The Coulda, Shoulda, Wouldas...

It was an all too familiar scene.

I pulled up and parked the car. Walked to the door- didn't knock- and silently opened it. I figured out where he was sleeping and walked over. There he was quietly sleeping and I had a thought of times in which I would crawl into bed onto him to wake him up. But now it just seemed inappropriate. Instead I tapped him on the knee to no response. So I slightly crawled into bed and shook him on his shoulder while calling his name. His eyes opened and met mine and I was left to wonder:

What if every time I had had the opportunity to do that before- to show a moment of softness when I was so busy being "hard"- would that change the position that we're in now? Like if when he rolled into bed with me if I allowed myself to just lay in his arms instead of silently panicking. Or if I had taken those special moments of tenderness for their face value instead of trying to attach motives to them.

I really think that way I approach life, dating, him in general leaves a bad and a good. For one- I tried so hard to be tough to keep what little we had going that I never sat around long enough to figure out if that was what was best for me OR him. I also never thought of what the so called "don't care" lifestyle did for any potential forward movement for us. I mean of course all things are now in the past but it's interesting to see what you didn't think about/ know what to think about until much later. Oh progress...

Just a taste....

I'm all for the interracial relationship. I welcome it if you do it. I welcome it if you don't feel it. I welcome it if you don't know where you stand. Would I like to be in a relationship with a fine black man with his head on straight? ya damn right. If it doesn't happen will I put off dating other races? ya damn wrong. It's a rough road out there no matter what shade you happen to be and much like clothes- if it doesn't fit you better find another size.

All that being said- one of my favorite blogs took up the issue today dealing with Jill Scott's expression of hurt over the blog and one of the commenters said this little piece which I feel like describes everything I've been YEARNING to say. Thanks Lovely Ladee!

To your question as to where we are now… We are where you have lead us to be. We are lost. The reason we don’t resemble the black women of generations before us is because your voice has become silent in our lives. Believe or not next to God your voice is one of the most powerful voices in our lives and because of your absences we have lost the directions necessary to stand beside you, to walk with you,to talk to you, to love you, to respect you and to be vulnerable with you. We have adapted to change because we had no choice. You were taken from us. The majority of you falling victim to the streets, violence, drugs and death. So we had to adapt. Generations and generations of the absence of you in our lives has landed us here. So we have had to put on our strong face and develop the character of not needing you. But truthfully we do…we always have and always will. You are the balance in our lives. In recent generations all we have witnessed is our mother push and be strong 24/7, 365 days of the year. Many of us have not had the pleasure of seeing our mothers exude the qualities of the black women in the Civil Rights era. We have not had the pleasure of seeing her be vulnerable with her man, to be supple, to kiss him, hold him close and tell him how much she misses him and needs him. We have not had the pleasure of seeing her be a successful woman in the street and a Domestic Goddess in the home. So I ask you how are we to even begin to need and want you and resemble the qualities that made black women so great in the Civil Rights era if we have never witnessed first hand the roles required to fill this position?
And yes I had to bring up the fact that Black men were taken from us because the truth is relationships and families begin with you! You are the head and therefore the leader.
I agree with you that we do not need to travel to know that just a short time ago you all were in jail or dead for looking at a white woman let alone dating one. However, I do not believe she was placing any type of responsibility on you young successful black men to only date black women nor belaboring over this topic. I believe she was just bringing understanding to the reaction of black women when they see a black man with a white woman. So, often our reactions have been labeled as hatred but the truth is that its a pain…a deep pain not hatred. So really there is nothing to be over because there was nothing to argue in the beginning. The article was just a woman bringing to light the reasoning behind most black woman’s reactions to such a situation.