No Words Edition Week 1

Can't Make Up My Mind...

"Back in the day we were in love

we're not in love anymore

But some days I sit and wish we was in love again."

Lyrics courtesy of Mariah Carey's "Candy Bling"

A day in pictures...

Sometimes I get violent inclinations even when I have nobody but myself to blame... I'm dealing lately with whether or not to tell someone that I have feelings even when I know the answer and even when I agree with the answer. But I'm not one for changing the natural order of the way things are right now... I feel like a pouty 6 year old who just can't seem to get her way these days. In that spirit:

Admit that the waters around you have grown...

When I was younger I couldn't wait to grow up. I always looked at my older cousins and thought about how cool they were as they stood in front of the mirror doing their hair or putting on make-up for their dates. Little did I know that I'd be sitting here wishing I was young again.

I think I've officially gotten too old for casual dating. Not the casual "friends" with benefits or just dating random guys on the weekend but moreso the let's date and not worry about where this goes. The dating for "no term".. not the short term and the long term but just dating without trying to put a limit on the time and where things are going. It seems weird but I was just thinking about the guys I liked in college... I wanted to date them and to have someone there for as long as college was around but after that I didn't really put out for long term plans. One of the guys that I like right now I think he's amazing, and smart, and funny (amongst other things) but out of all the dreams/daydreams never once has it been one of us getting married or being in any type of relationship pat a few years. It's not that I think that I'm uncaring or jaded- it's just I think that I'm at a point where a serious LTR relationship just doesn't fit into the works.

Maybe it's just me- do people still enter into casual relationships?

Title Courtesy of Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin"

no title necessary.

what to do when you can't decide what to do?

When you don't know if the truth will set you free or set you back. When you could easily lose it all as you could win it. When going forwards is just as easy as going backwards.

Oh what to do when you can't decide what to do?

Relationship Math...

If I were to run a regression- what would be the statistical significance? Any omitted variable bias?

a great friendship + emotional connection x exclusive sex a few times a week if you’re lucky or month = a “relationship”

I'm just curious because if this explains more than 80% of the variation in relationship data then I'm somehow missing something... besides the obvious someone.

Equation courtesy of the blog "Three Ways To Take It" March 2, 2009

Now you know the Paper is an around the way heartbreaker...

very hot date tonight....with my daddy that is :)

My dad reminds me of one those "on paper" phenomenons where you would make the perfect match with someone if I didn't need to be interacted in real life. He's intelligent, has a resume like woah and yet... meh. I won't go there but it does make for an interesting transition (and somewhat awkward) to the Paper Boy.

I think that I have a tendency to fall for "paper boys," guys that would fit the Barack to my Michelle, the Cliff to my Claire, or more recently the George Lucas to my Melodie Hopson. I wind up with these guys that I'm attracted to because they have the qualities that I think are necessary for my future mate and then as the road winds and something is just not there. It becomes I can kiss you but I can't date you or I can date you but I can't be in a relationship with you or once again more recently I can be in a relationship with you but I can't marry you.

What's the deal with finding guys that should technically be so right who end up being so wrong? Is there a better way of defining what it is that I'm looking for in a guy so I don't end up with a bunch of dead ends or do I try and ignore what my head is telling me in search of going with my heart? I really despise the latter route as it go against EVERYTHING I've ever taught myself about how to function. And if I do ignore my head is there to a way to make sure I don't end up like the girls you hear about from back in high school? Oh you know the "oh she fell in love with him girl but now they livin in the street while he works on being a rapper..."

bah. Where's my book with all the answers?

Title courtesy of Ditty "Paper Boy"

Ran My Three Miles...

I love to run.

I love to just hop on the treadmill (or the Washington Duke Trail when I had that luxury) and just run as hard as I can for as long as I can til I can't breathe anymore. And then I run some more. Running is no stress. You aren't busy thinking about a million other things. It's just you and the pavement. I need my music though. If I don't have my music instead of thinking about the lyrics or the beat I'm busy focusing on how I'm quickly running out of the breath or all the homework/studying I have to do (which coincidently also makes me feel that I'm running out of breath)... Give me my good playlist of extreme gangsta rap (hey Nas) and silly songs with hype beats (shout out Soulja Boy) and I'm good to go for almost an hour or two.

This morning I was on the treadmill and just started thinking about everything in life. How I seem to have somehow fallen for someone that I can't let myself like, and how I can't seem to fully get with the program with someone that I love and I just started to cry*. Crying of course activated my nostrils and I couldn't breathe but my body just did not want to stop.. I had a goal of hitting 5k and my head just kinda went into auto-pilot. I thought to myself that if I could get my body on auto-pilot to run when I feel like I can't go any further I should be able to auto-pilot myself to keep it moving when I just emotionally feel like giving up.

*I was in the gym alone btw- no worries about looking crazy.

Title courtesy of Vivian Green "Emotional Rollercoaster"

I'll Close My Eyes, Then I Won't See...

I just want it all to stop. I am so tired so tired of it all.

Tired of the dating and the relationships, people getting married and having kids, and mostly falling for guys I shouldn't and not falling for the guys I should. Sometimes I feel as though I'm a disaster train heading straight for the cliff and I'm the only passenger on it.

My ex came into town and I practically RAN from any type of conversation concerning us and the future and if we were going to get back together. I was able to hold off until the end when he asked me about the next time we were going to see each other and I said that we should take it little bit by little bit. I didn't want to hurt him at all but sometimes I feel like I need to listen to my head and not my heart (per my post a few days go). That's not the only situation where my heart is winning the race and even when I try to stop listening to it my head just kinda lays down for the fight - like Marquez Saturday night. My heart takes over my subconscious and sneaks into my dreams and I'm happy when I wake up until I realize that it was just a dream and I couldn't even go there if I tried.

Sometimes I just want the world to stop spinning so I can just sit down and clear out my head. This isn't a call for Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now.. this is a request for everyone else to just stay away.

Title courtesy of Prince "I Can't Make U Love Me"

And I heard 'em say...

Rumour has it our dreams reveal our hearts deepest desires.... personally I think it's alcohol.

On a related note: shoutout to my dear dear friends who keep me from "say[ing] something where you gone end up apologizin"... specially when i've been imbibing on that "nectar" I owe you much much much.

Title courtesy of Kanye West "Heard 'em Say"

It's no sacrifice- It's just a simple word.

So last saturday I was dipping heavily into the liquor pot at Bar Louie in Chinatown with my good friend Mags just catching each other up on life. After discussing her disappointment in the fact that I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years I informed her of the fact that he could potentially be moving to New York (he's a Londoner) for half a month- every month.

"Perfect" she exclaimed, now you can choose a law school in NYC and you two can be together!

**pause**

"What if I had my heart set on going to school in Los Angeles (or Chicago, or China)?"

"It's all about sacrifice, he's sacrificing living in London to be with you and you can sacrifice for him."

Later that night as I drunkenly climbed into bed I stared at my ceiling and thought to myself: how much does one sacrifice before one finds themselves somewhere they really don't want to be? Now I'm not saying this is me and I'm sure at least one of my friends would be willing to say that I don't make very many/haven't made very many sacrifices in this relationship. To me however, I think I'm coming close enough.

I'm not use to sacrificing and compromising, yes I'm one of 4 children but I'm the oldest and the wisest and the most motivated so I tended to get my way as a child. I really only compromised on things that were of no importance to my bottom line. So now at 23 I'm being asked n a relationship to sacrifice things that I have considered a major part of me (getting married when I can afford a nice wedding and perhaps a down payment on a lovely house in Kensington or Notting Hill, focusing on my career and not running around taking Baby Sunshine to ballet class) and I just don't know if I'm ready to do it yet. Shoot if I'm mature enough to do that... no matter how much I love him.

Yesterday I read an article in Glamour in which the writer (a male) had fallen in love with a woman but then she decided to move half way across the world and so they broke up. It gnawed at him though and he decided to leave his job at glamour to go to where she was. That really blew my mind. The concept of dropping everything to be with someone that you consider "the one."

So I thought about all this last night, got down on my knees in front of my bed and prayed that God would send me a signal indication the direction I needed to follow as I couldn't hear over the noise of my head and heart fighting...

This morning I got a fee waiver from one of my top schools- conveniently located on 116th and Amsterdam. Upper West Side. New York City, New York.

Title Courtesy of Elton John "Sacrifice"

Sweetest Hangover

If there's a cure for this....

I don't want it.

if there's a remedy....

i'll run from it.

I remember feeling that way and there are days like this when I question if I'll feel like this again.

Title and Intro courtesy of Diana Ross "Sweetest Hangover"

Still caught up in you, love can be so cruel.

Oh exes.

Just found out one of mine is moving to New York City for two weeks out of every month for September, October, December, and February. Oh and if he gets the position permanently... He'll be in New York every month for half the month. This could potentially change my outlook on things folks... I could be in trouble.

Title courtesy of Mariah Carey "Circles"

Back in the days when I was young...

High school me was smart. Yeaaaaaah boi! HS me didn't believe in sex. HS me didn't believe in listening to bullshit. HS me led life through her brain.

That's right- High School Little Miss Sunshine took it as a mantra when Jay-Z said "love Jay with your mind girl not with your heart." Sunshine was all about making decisions based upon her brain. HS me ran things because she never allowed herself to get hurt. College me started acting like a sulky R&B singer and allowed feelings to lead the race while logic trailed behind... far far FAR behind.

I am here to stand up and say NO MORE! Little Miss Sunshine has declared that her pre-legal training has begun: logos over pathos.

We shall see how this goes... Oh we shall see.

Title courtesy of Ahmad "Back in the Day"

Beautiful Nightmare...

I had a dream Sunday night that I was being stoned to death.

In a firing squad line stood every guy I've ever had a crush on who didn't like me back and every guy who've I've ever allowed to break my heart in some way, all with a bucket of stones placed on stumps next to them. The bell went off and stones were being thrown left and right at me. I wasn't chained up but I still didnt move. Not even to flinch. For every rock that hit me the pain lasted a second on that place on my body but everytime I was hit it felt like i was being delivered a swift kick to my chest- my heart.

I turned and looked at every guy with a stone in his hand... This guy that I liked for three years with nearly a boulder in his hand, the guy I dated for a few weeks in hs to make my boyfriend jealous- a hand full of pebbles. And so it went on like this, the opportunity to stare my assasins down. Finally before the end of the line, I found myself on the ground, knees bleeding profusely, arms bruised, head wounded, unable to breathe from the repeated attacks on my chest. I begged high onto the sky for anything to take away the pain... That death now come quick. I looked up and stared at the last man in line...

He looked up at me with his full lips and brown eyes and I recognized him instaneously- it was me. Assassin Me had a slingshot in hand with the smallest rock, sharpened to many different points and as she peeled back the rubberband and took aim towards her target I found myself studying the other me intensely. Such hate, fury, and a brow furrowed with scorn was plastered over my features... The assasin finally release the projectile and it hit me square in the chest killing me....

I dont know what it all means. I've taken some guesses and made a few ganders with dream dictionaries but I must say its the most poignant and root rocking dream I've had yet.... I agree with the dream interpretation points though... I'll post them below.

To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.
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To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life. ---------

Disconnected and desperately escaping... If that doesn't describe my life right now I don't know what is.

Title courtesy of Beyonce "Beautiful Nightmare"

Moments in Love

I think the best moment in a girls relationship life is the moment her boyfriend decides that he's ready to make her his wife.

Not the moment he proposes (he's been thinking about how to do that now for weeks), not the moment he says I do (he's been thinking about doing this for months)... The moment when he's sitting on the couch and watches you laugh so hard you mouth is wide open, and your chest heaves trying to catch your breath.... And he decides he wants to see you like this everyday in his life.

The moment it mentally clicks that HE chooses you...

Title Courtesy of The Art of Noise "Moments in Love"

Changes in Tides

There is a term that I've learned to look past it's face value and actually a means to express the limitations that we have as human beings: forever.

Nothing is forever except for change. There will come a day when the sun ceases and everything we've counted on as being forever is gone. Earth is just a freezing rock in a new orbit.Relationships are also not forever. They do not exist beyond a time space continum and there at not many that exist a lifetime. As human beings we live our lives in fluidity allowing one change to flow into the other as time moves forward and rarely do we think of the effect of daily changes has on us. 

How every microchange shifts our macroviews. I've been spending sometime thinking about how I've lived my life worrying about the macro and ignorning the micro. I'm a details person by nature but in love- I want to see the big picture. I want to see the finish puzzle: house, kids, jobs, us. I spend so much time worrying about how to get the pieces in the right place that I ignore what the pieces are. I lose sight of the afternoons spent sitting in between his legs on a grassy hill learning words in Afrikaans and receiving kisses on my forehead for every word I repeated correctly. Essentially I neglected to understand how every one of those pieces help create the big puzzle...

And I might of lost a great love because of it.