Abstinence... In a relationship

Celibacy has been the recent talk of the blogosphere from sbm to maxfab to threeways.  How does this ball of sunshine fit into this? I'm celibate with my current boyfriend.Yup- we never had "relations."


This started out as a little experiment of mine based on a magazine I read about a girl who tired of just giving it up wanted to go on a year long celibacy kick to see how it would affect her relationship. This certainly wasn't my first time doing it in a relationship but it was my first purposeful time. Let me explain....




With Andy- when we first got serious we were together in the same country. Although we had known each other for two years at that point- the "moment" never presented itself so sex never happened. Then I moved back to the states and every time we saw each other it was at one of parents house and thus- not happening. When we finally did the do it was nearly 4 years into knowing each other and over 2 years into our relationship. It not only felt right at that time but for our relationship- it was golden.


Whaaaaat? Again- let me explain.


I've had great boyfriends. Amazing boyfriends, amazing relationships. Out of the 2 major ones since '04 (when I became *ahem* active) the best one was the one that allowed us to build a foundation before we became active- you know why? Sex can be murder for a relationship. We withhold sex from our significant other when we're angry, we stay with someone that's not good for us because the sex is good, and try as we might- occasionally us women give in to biology and become dickmatized. What happens when you take something so powerful out of a relationship? You truly let your clear head reign free. 


Now don't get me wrong- i love sexual relations. The thoughts of getting dirty before breakfast, having a snack at lunch, and a bit of afternoon delight makes me all warm inside. But even a nymphomanic like me thinks that there is something sexy about kissing, and 3/4 of the bases of making their way. Takes you back to high school when everything was all forbidden. Most importantly though I find that waiting to have sex has made us take stock of each other without being blocked by mind thoughts.


I've done the FwB thang to HORRIBLE results... once the benefits kicked in the friendship kicked out. Now I'm focused on the friends, and it's amazing. I miss him because I miss who he is not who he is+ the mind blowing sex. Now will we get to the point where sex feels right to enter in? Who knows. But I'm loving the path we're on now.... pucker up 

Trufs...

*I get my computer back tonight... It's costing me those Tory Burch shoes I want.

*I get a new phone tomorrow... it's costing me grief in the form of an angry mother.

*I get my boyfriend back on sunday. I couldn't be happier- I'm going to cook something from him. Probably some papas chorreadas, frituras de caracol, and arequipe. Bring out the Colombiche in me.

*I haven't run since tuesday morning. I feel amazingly obese. I've also been eating like someone who wants to be  a discovery health channel special.

* I also need to spend this weekend putitn geverything into a box. EVERTYHING except for what I need to survive next week. Lets see how goals go.

Non Sequiturs...

Since I cannot tweet after 6....


1. Finding ways to tire out your dog so you can take a nap- much more fun than it appears.

2. Guess I have no excuse not to pack now!

3. I would love a bag of flaming hots- but I smartly threw them and every other tasty thing in the trash.

4. Butt is finally poking out- so this is what happens when you exercise regularly.

5. Seinfeld is genius.

6. Really horrific time not to have communication as boyfriend is leaving to spend a week in the desert looking at gaping holes in the earth.

7. I need access to my electronics more than I need a partner. Quite sad when you realize I have a partner and not electronics.

8. While my co-workers and cousins make me want to have babies- Tenn Mom is liquid nitrogen to my eggs.

9. I have 167 pairs of shoes in my closet. I will give 17 to goodwill. I like nice numbers.

10. This describes my night...

The re-mix

Hello lovers...

I've taken a hiatus. I've been wrapped up in warmness and before the big boot of life kicks me in the face I've been wanting to enjoy it. But who am I kidding? Life has been take-no-prisoners with me for a while... those warm moments are just brief periods of escape. What am I talking about you say? Let me expound:

* I've agreed to be half a whole. I'm enjoying it for now but the long-distance thing hasn't worked in the past and I'm inclined to say that throwing law school in the mix is making for a bad taste in my mouth... but hey. one day at a time right?

* Also- completely rando but I've come to discover that I don't mind changing my name- if it's one that's equally pretty or prettier than my current one. A. Carrington? Why don't mind if I do.

*Completely rando as well- I made lobster mac and cheese on Sunday. Hats off to myself. I'm in wifey training and I'm rockin.

*Celibacy requires one to be fun and creative.

*This blog might start shifting into law school. Don't be afraid... explore with me. Or be scared shitless with me. That's probably a better adjective.

* my life is devoted to packing and painting. and running. so yes. running, packing, painting. and looking at furniture.

* i flushed my phone down the toilet. Yup. it was in my pants pocket. I stood up it fell in. I reached for it- and **bam** holler at an automatic flush. I nearly had my grasp on it when one final flush took it away. And what did I get for my troubles? A wet suit jacket arm and the back cover of said phone.

*my computer died. yup. dead. so essentially it's only possible to contact me from the hours of 9-6 via e-mail or g-chat. horrrrrrray..... my life sucks.

So anyway. I've caught you up. welcome.

Amazing....

If there's anything I appreciate right now it's having someone who is just by my side. Someone I'm not worried about double-crossing me, or talking down to me, or laughing at me when I do the silly things I do (we all know how often that happens)... but someone who wants to help me grow, someone who takes the time in the morning just to kiss my forehead before we go our separate ways, someone who is just there when I need to whine and complain.



For however short-lived this will be- I'm so appreciative. I needed this turn-around to my summer.

mhm.

he said he knows me
so i said show me



of course it wasn't what I thought he was talking about.





Back to day 1.

Tired of being Mrs. Wright Now....

There was a shift this week in me. I left behind the hard shell me and really just listened to what I was feeling- I'm kind of over being single.
"WHAAAT?"<---- I know. I know. One of my friends claimed that the sky was falling when I revealed this to her but let me explain...


I've been having inklings every once in a while for the past year (including an emo moment or four) to be with someone.... (strike one). I started pretty much dating a guy that I reconnected with... (strike two). In a joking manner I held hands with a guy friend this weekend  and then started continually nestling up against him... (strike three). I met a guy this weekend who I felt could actually go head to head with me AND then put me in my place and I haven't stopped thinking of him since.... (and yooooou're out).

Back when I was into Terence I kept saying that I would love to see where things went but I never expected us to date for real for real. 75% of the reason was because I knew we weren't compatible but the other 25% was because I just didn't feel the need to be someone. I'm not sure what it is though but ever since this weekend I've been wanting to just have someone to be committed to, hold hands with, spoon at night, roll up behind and wrap my arms around and place my head in the little crook at his neck. I used to think of this as being soft but maybe I'm maturing. **gasp**

What really had me thinking this way was the post today over at single black male- a husband (4 years in the game I believe) was talking about the difference between a husband and simply a  married man and what that required. I agreed with all he had to say (read the post I'm not repeating) and added that I want a man who can lead me in my house. I'm sure I've stated that before here but then I thought to myself- how close am I to that goal? How long can I be single and mingle before I become lonely and cat food?* I've said before that if I never married I'd be fine with that but that doesn't mean I never want to be married.

But alas baby steps.... I'm going to open myself to relationship potential- that's right I'm going to stop dating for the sake of dating (and a-hem a meal or two) and date to find a partner. Let's see how this goes though. Lately (aside from this weekend which I'm STILL upset about) I haven't found anyone that wants me and I want them. Oh well.... get hitched or die tryin?









*There would have to be no more animals in this world for me to own a cat. I HATE cats.

Men with Girls- and the women that like them.

I met this guy over the weekend and it was like **boom** a click as sharp as a seatbelt. He was fine. We didn't necessarily agree on everything but I liked that. We were able to just chat and chat. He made me laugh repeatedly. He smelled amazing when he leaned in to give me a hug (all three times) and errr did I mention he was fine. We exchanged numbers... it was good. And pow. I find out he has a girlfriend.

In another corner of the world my friend Tara knows this guy and knows his girlfriend. He's consistently downplaying his relationship and Tara keeps trying to keep her foot from stepping in the bullsh*t. One late lonely night and it's a cuddle session and the two of them only know what else.

Finally, Laura has been sleeping with Ben for at least two months and that was six months into their relationship. Two weeks ago Laura heard from some friends about Ben's fiancee but she hasn't been able to help herself- she's still seeing him.

-----------------

What do all of these ladies have in common. They've fallen for guys who are unavailable. Now I'm sure the first one (my personal situation) is not that big of a deal. He's just one guy LMS- surely you can fix yourself up and find a replacement. Sure. I'm certain that's true (although he's been on my mind like crazy) but that doesn't fix the bigger issue at hand...

There is something wrong with these guys in a relationship and something not so right with the girls that like them.

I'm not sure if it's the overabundance of girls, the sundress phenomenon, or the inability of some humans to love just one other human but somewhere along the lines guys have just not been able to hold tight to the faithfulness that a relationship requires. I'm sure it happens to women too but this #swindle is just for my fellas this time. Why is it that it's not enough to just want to be with your girl but to need to wind other girls into your twisted scheme? Why not just say -errrrm- end it with your girl and find something else to occupy your time until winter? Are you worried that when it's time to hibernate your snow bunny won't be around anymore? I mean I just wish somebody could explain it to me. I'm not talking about the guys who meet someone platonically and they are so much of a fit for you that you just want to leave your significant other but there is something that's keeping your bond together. Nope- not yal... although there's a special place in karma hell for ya. 

I'm talking to the men who have what they need and just want the extras around because they can. Or she's pretty. Or better yet are afraid to commit. What.is.the.deal.

And my ladies. my laaaaadies. Are we that hard off that we can't help but think of/dream of/sleep with these guys who have made commitments to other women. Wouldn't you be mad if some chick was scheming on your relationship? I wish I had the answers to these. I wish that right now I wasn't feeling the "eff karma and eff your relationship- I want you" feeling that I have right now. I wish that this entire post wasn't a message to me but it is.

Why?

It all ends up being the same anyway...

So I was trying to figure out whether or not I was going to elaborate on my cryptic messages over the past week or talk about why I'm in relationship limbo but I figured that if I did the latter the former wouldn't make much since later on so- and away we go.

*******

I'm sure I've mentioned before- my friends are forever teasing/warning me about how nice and forgiving I am. I always thought that forgiving was one of these good things that we're suppose to be working on (not for the good of others but for the good of ourselves) but who would ever think that it would come with a fault. A big one.


I loved him. I loved him like he was flesh and blood to me. I always wanted to protect him, to make him happy, to keep him from pain- after all he was my friend, he was one of my closest friends and it just felt right to be there for him. But I would be lying if I were to say that there weren't times when I wanted to strangle him. When he let his mouth run ahead of his thoughts and he insulted me, or when he ignored, or was ridiculously mean to me. But like family- you don't have to always like them- but you will always love them. What happens then when the parts you hate of someone gather in greater number than the parts you love? What do you do then? It used to be that I would ignore it and hope that something good would come along or I would bore of being angry and my mind would change- and I'd go back into my perfect little fairytale.

Something struck in me the other day though- I hit my stop measure and I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped. I made a rash and sudden decision. I got rid of our contact on every media I could think of.  I then sat around for a weekend and thought about what I had done and wondered if I regretted and I hadn't. I still don't. I think that by consistently forgiving that I gave others the permission to run me over and then became surprised when they did so. I'm not sure what I did to make him so angry that he would stop talking to me (I can only surmise and even that barely makes sense to me) but that action gave me the sign I needed to just get up an walk away.

Do I think he's going to come in to save the day? No.

Do I think this is truly the end of this friendship? Yes.

                                                                                                          Do I feel good now that there's a solution? No.    

It feels a bit more like I lost my brother.