It all ends up being the same anyway...

So I was trying to figure out whether or not I was going to elaborate on my cryptic messages over the past week or talk about why I'm in relationship limbo but I figured that if I did the latter the former wouldn't make much since later on so- and away we go.

*******

I'm sure I've mentioned before- my friends are forever teasing/warning me about how nice and forgiving I am. I always thought that forgiving was one of these good things that we're suppose to be working on (not for the good of others but for the good of ourselves) but who would ever think that it would come with a fault. A big one.


I loved him. I loved him like he was flesh and blood to me. I always wanted to protect him, to make him happy, to keep him from pain- after all he was my friend, he was one of my closest friends and it just felt right to be there for him. But I would be lying if I were to say that there weren't times when I wanted to strangle him. When he let his mouth run ahead of his thoughts and he insulted me, or when he ignored, or was ridiculously mean to me. But like family- you don't have to always like them- but you will always love them. What happens then when the parts you hate of someone gather in greater number than the parts you love? What do you do then? It used to be that I would ignore it and hope that something good would come along or I would bore of being angry and my mind would change- and I'd go back into my perfect little fairytale.

Something struck in me the other day though- I hit my stop measure and I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped. I made a rash and sudden decision. I got rid of our contact on every media I could think of.  I then sat around for a weekend and thought about what I had done and wondered if I regretted and I hadn't. I still don't. I think that by consistently forgiving that I gave others the permission to run me over and then became surprised when they did so. I'm not sure what I did to make him so angry that he would stop talking to me (I can only surmise and even that barely makes sense to me) but that action gave me the sign I needed to just get up an walk away.

Do I think he's going to come in to save the day? No.

Do I think this is truly the end of this friendship? Yes.

                                                                                                          Do I feel good now that there's a solution? No.    

It feels a bit more like I lost my brother.