I pulled up and parked the car. Walked to the door- didn't knock- and silently opened it. I figured out where he was sleeping and walked over. There he was quietly sleeping and I had a thought of times in which I would crawl into bed onto him to wake him up. But now it just seemed inappropriate. Instead I tapped him on the knee to no response. So I slightly crawled into bed and shook him on his shoulder while calling his name. His eyes opened and met mine and I was left to wonder:
What if every time I had had the opportunity to do that before- to show a moment of softness when I was so busy being "hard"- would that change the position that we're in now? Like if when he rolled into bed with me if I allowed myself to just lay in his arms instead of silently panicking. Or if I had taken those special moments of tenderness for their face value instead of trying to attach motives to them.
I really think that way I approach life, dating, him in general leaves a bad and a good. For one- I tried so hard to be tough to keep what little we had going that I never sat around long enough to figure out if that was what was best for me OR him. I also never thought of what the so called "don't care" lifestyle did for any potential forward movement for us. I mean of course all things are now in the past but it's interesting to see what you didn't think about/ know what to think about until much later. Oh progress...
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