Can't Cry

I'm known to be finnicky at best. Like I said yesterday- one day
you're in the next you're out. So with this being my modus operandi I
never stop to think about what would happen if I actually got what I
want. Let's take Terrence for example. Now that everything is dead and
done (like no friendship (I've decided) done) I can spend some time
(read: the time it takes to write a post) thinking about my errors
there and where I would of corrected myself. While that is another
blog for another time- I can also think about what would of happened
had our conversation gone a bit differently. Would I have wanted to
ultimately be in a relationship? Could I see him as someone that I
want to spend my life with (since apparently at my age that's the
purpose of dating)? Simply, no. When my friends would joke about us
"belonging together" I would laugh and say no. It wasn't just me being
shy about my friend's jokes- I truly only saw us dating for a moment.
Enough to squash the urge/curiosity but T was never someone I
envisioned myself sitting next to and teaching our kid to read. Not
even in my head when I fell asleep at night.

I say all this to say that I've been reaching these past weeks to make
myself cry or be upset and it just won't come. I've come to figure
that I can't cry because the emotion just isn't there. I don't care
like I thought (or sometimes still think) I should. I think this all
boils down to the fact that I didn't see any future invested in him
past this summer. Not that T is some horrid person but we don't
approach relationships same and what would have made us great friends
(would because right now I really don't see a point at which I could
make a friendship based on honesty blah blah blah) would not have laid
the foundation for a good relationship. Not that I'm sold on a
relationship right now but if I were to get in one it would be because
I see potential for us in the future. Not the case here so much like a
virgin with reason- I'm saving myself and my heart.