Eyes closed

He was always my back up. My number 2.
I didn't know it but I suspect he did. Every time we sat down and I had to fight to let the words "i like you" flow freely from my mouth I'd watch him. Watch him stare at me knowing the routine was going to be the same. I'd say how I felt. He'd watch me and we'd both slide back into a world without words. Saying yes with our lips and holding full conversations with tongues. It was easier like this you know? Easier to let our bodies melt over bringing up the same issues time and time again and finally resolving them.

The resolution meant the end to us.

Although he was my plan B- and I didn't know it- I just knew that I couldn't lose him. That even as words begged to be released between the gasping breaths of air we were taking that one word too many and we were done. We couldn't face what it would mean to know the truth. For the illusion to shatter. Or was it just me? Every time he looked at me it was like he could see something in me that I couldn't. A skill I was lacking and a truth that he was protecting me from.

Now that I know that he comes second and every other man comes first what do I say? How do I explain that every moment when I was let down it was him that came to mind. That during the happy moments he was no where to be found, but on the way down the ladder he was right there to sweep me off my feet.


Even now. With him as my alternative... I'd rather keep my eyes closed than lose him.