Let's get this out of the way

I really need to be outlining for my exam this weekend but I can't seem to make it happen because I can't stop focusing... on a cupcake. Well that's his nickname.

To give you all the details would be to take you back through 3 months of tit for tat. Happy for happy. Mad for Mad. Sad for sad. A lot of confusion and bad communication and really good sex. Sorry. But if I had to write a letter- i'd call it "let's get this out of the way"

Cupcake,

Now here I sit, in the library. Knees folded into my chest, blinking back tears. Lost and confused. Over-analyzing, over promising, under delivering. I hate you. I hate the situation. Mostly I hate myself for liking you and putting myself into this situation.

I know who I am. I know how I am. I know that I want rules and surety. I don't care what we do as long as we BOTH know that's what we're doing. If we're pausing on a sexlationship for you to get your shit together- fine. If we're pausing on an actual relationship for you to get your shit together- fine. If we're just friends- that's fine too. But let's call a spade a spade. Let's get this out of the way.

I want definition, i want boundaries, i want a clue please. But I'm not pushing him. I'm not commenting. I'm sitting here in the library. Knees folded into my chest, blinking back tears. When you sit down across from me and you flash that smile of yours I'll smile back. I'll be funny. I'll flip my hair. Inside though I'm screaming. I'm screaming for you to kiss me, to touch me, to tell me how beautiful you find me. I'm screaming for you to tell me who I am to you. Until you decide to do that... I'm sitting here in the library. Knees folded into my chest, blinking back tears. Let's get this out of the way.

Me.

Boys suck.

Ugh.

The Rundown

As predicted- law school has engulfed my life. I don't mean my week days and a sunday afternoon like undergrad (or graduate school) I mean at this point in the semester (a WHOLE two weeks in)- I eat, drink, and sleep the law. I read cases, I read statutes/constitutions/treaties, I outline, brief cases, read more cases. I write oral arguments, construct legal memos, talk about the law, apply for jobs, pray to God. I mean everything I do is related to law.


Except for the gym. I carve two hours out of my day to pound the treadmill- listening to outrageous music (from La GaGa to Roscoe Dash and a hint of Cee-Lo) and just not think about anything to do with law. It's like I need that time to breathe (which is ironic considering that I struggle to keep a breath)- because I'm afraid that my little tight wrapped world will suddenly come undone. I guess that's what occurs when the anal go to law school but it doesn't make me feel better about myself. Now if I could just match my eating with my gym habits - I'll be working towards my new years resolution quiiiiite nicely.


Finally- love? love sucks. well maybe not sucks but it just doesn't exist here. I got kind of excited because a guy I was slightly interested in last semester seemed really interested in e too. We talked during break about hanging out this semester and sitting together in class (assigned seats so it's a major decision lol- but seriously)... I see him the night before our class together and he's like oh i'll catch you in class- we're still sitting together right? (right i thought).... roll into class and womp womp. He's sitting in between two other girls and basically freezes me out. Not sure what I did to him in my sleep but eh- I'm suppose to be focusing anyway right?

So that's it these days: reading, writing, and jobs.

bleh.

The Musings of a Self-Absorbed 1L: Part Five

How to succeed in law school....


a) don't go. seriously... stop studying for the LSAT. Stop writing your essay. Just turn around and do something else. You wanna help people? Build fucking huts in Namibia. Want to make money? Become a porn star / socialite. This route is not the yellow brick road to anything.

b) if it's too late for (a), be certain to drop out before the tuition needs to be returned. That percentage drops quickly so you must move fast. Don't waste time trying to make a decision- that is what all the other people in law school will do. And they will not succeed.

c) ultimately you were foolish and didn't do (a). Then you refused to listen to me about (b)- or perhaps you just stumbled upon this in November... or second semester. Either way- (c) is for everyone. Use these precious three years to impress upon your classmates your usefulness as a womb, child rearer, chef, and housekeeper. When you have located a classmate who seems as though he (she) will be able to provide you with a lifestyle that meets your needs... hone in. Hone in homey and find a way to exchange rings. Of course if you are male you will have to overcome the stigma of the stay-at-home-dad but this is your full career now.... you will find a way.

Just in case you missed it...

I'm a ball of confusedness. Constantly confuddled.


I seriously don't mind not dating or being in a relationship until I'm older. I stick by my not before 30 rule for marriage. But geeeeeze I cannot stand finding a guy I think could be right for me (or at least great to get to know at minimum) and not being able to make it work. Meanwhile I'm pigeon holed at school with absolutely no choices and nobody to flirt with (which I love to do)... and I'm afraid of course that if I do find someone to flirt with who has a good personality (but not so much my type of guy) that I'll send him the wrong message.

Oh wait I did that.

Sigh... only 940+ days right?

in case you were curious....

Did you know you can be medicated for omniomania?

Do you know what omniomania is?

A shopping addiction.

----insert blank stare here----

someone suggested it to my mother. Lord help us all if I can't shop anymore.

To summarize my first day....

"Every day includes much more non-being than being. This is always so. One walks, eats, sees things, deals with what has to be done; the broken vacuum cleaner; ordering dinner; washing; cooking dinner. When it is a bad day the proportion of non-being is much larger."- Virginia Woolf




I was late. Twice. I've got homework I don't feel like doing. A gym I don't feel like going to. A hunger pain. Welcome to Monday. 

The re-mix

Hello lovers...

I've taken a hiatus. I've been wrapped up in warmness and before the big boot of life kicks me in the face I've been wanting to enjoy it. But who am I kidding? Life has been take-no-prisoners with me for a while... those warm moments are just brief periods of escape. What am I talking about you say? Let me expound:

* I've agreed to be half a whole. I'm enjoying it for now but the long-distance thing hasn't worked in the past and I'm inclined to say that throwing law school in the mix is making for a bad taste in my mouth... but hey. one day at a time right?

* Also- completely rando but I've come to discover that I don't mind changing my name- if it's one that's equally pretty or prettier than my current one. A. Carrington? Why don't mind if I do.

*Completely rando as well- I made lobster mac and cheese on Sunday. Hats off to myself. I'm in wifey training and I'm rockin.

*Celibacy requires one to be fun and creative.

*This blog might start shifting into law school. Don't be afraid... explore with me. Or be scared shitless with me. That's probably a better adjective.

* my life is devoted to packing and painting. and running. so yes. running, packing, painting. and looking at furniture.

* i flushed my phone down the toilet. Yup. it was in my pants pocket. I stood up it fell in. I reached for it- and **bam** holler at an automatic flush. I nearly had my grasp on it when one final flush took it away. And what did I get for my troubles? A wet suit jacket arm and the back cover of said phone.

*my computer died. yup. dead. so essentially it's only possible to contact me from the hours of 9-6 via e-mail or g-chat. horrrrrrray..... my life sucks.

So anyway. I've caught you up. welcome.

Here comes trouble....

If you are who your friends are...




well in some ways I am MIGH-TY fucked.

How does one say bloody hell in french?

Mexican Margarita: You have an understanding of types. You guys can just accept what makes you so frustrated about the other person and still hang out.

Little Miss Sunshine: The fact is that we're the worst communicators with each other on this planet and we both are avoiders so instead of actually dealing with the issue til it's gone we'd rather push it back til it rears it's ugly head again. it's sick.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the fact in a nutshell.... i'll expand on this tomorrow.

you've gotta be kidding.

how.how.how. did you manage to singlehandedly* KILL my pre-graduation happiness?















*since you had to type to do it i guess it's twohandedly but still- the sentiment is the same.

Let's Be Honest...

Can't move past if you refuse to step aside.

the VERY last post on this subject...

This don't make no damn sense

and for that reason and that reason alone I'm outtie 5000.

pretty much.

I'm not going to write you a love song...

because you

asked for one.

cause

you need one.

may feelings burn in a slow hell.

Trust me.

Everyone says I tend to overreact... I wish they would just know that I KNOW when I'm right.

Po Lil Tink Tink

Little Brother is the summation of my life right now:

"I want a girl when I want a girl. And when I don't want a girl I want a girl who understands that."

I'm starting to get those lil inkles of human companionship that pang even the most stone cold heart every now and then. I wouldn't mind someone to hang out with, watch march madness with, kiss, fall asleep with at night. But I know it's not where my focus should be if it should ever be there. I vowed to myself that I was career first at all cost and I can't stop til I get to where I need to be- to be comfortable in who I am.

Nevertheless good to know I'm still human.

Something Like Amazing.

It's amazing how a little information can change a mind. a perspective. usher in a realization.

It's amazing what people will say when they think nobody is listening.

It's amazing. amazing.