Just in case you missed it...

I'm a ball of confusedness. Constantly confuddled.


I seriously don't mind not dating or being in a relationship until I'm older. I stick by my not before 30 rule for marriage. But geeeeeze I cannot stand finding a guy I think could be right for me (or at least great to get to know at minimum) and not being able to make it work. Meanwhile I'm pigeon holed at school with absolutely no choices and nobody to flirt with (which I love to do)... and I'm afraid of course that if I do find someone to flirt with who has a good personality (but not so much my type of guy) that I'll send him the wrong message.

Oh wait I did that.

Sigh... only 940+ days right?

frustration at it's greatest

I just am no good at getting at a guy.
No good at reading signals so I would just rather just sit back and hope things fall into my lap. But we both know that ain't happening.

I've been hoping that this guy I'm feeling will speak up or give me flashing neon signs. But that ain't happenin.
I've gotten lucky and unlucky in like. I don't have an issue finding a guy to like me. My last two exes were great guys who weren't afraid to said what they wanted but it wasn't the right time for me. I went to law school hoping that I'd start a fresh and yet... I've been nothing short of disappointed. The guys interested in me- I'm not interested in. The guys I'm interested in? Well they don't exist there.

And I'm frustrated. I just want someone. Someone to talk to. Someone to trust. Someone to hug. Someone to visit. I just sigh... I'm losing it.

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams...

I love a crush as much as I hate a crush.


Half of me likes the game and the figuring everything out. How excited you get about witty banter, and disguised text. The other half of me is like oh ALRIGHT already!

Then a realized the part of me excited to move forward is the part of me that lies in my skirt.

I'm really trying to think with my heart and not with my head or my loins but dammit- those two are aggressive little personalities and my poor heart sits in the corner like a kid who just ate paste.

I guess we're all just little works in progress huh?

The Musings of a Self-Absorbed 1L: Part Two

1. Busy is the word. Run, Read, Class, Read, Run, Sleep. <--- add tweeting and food in there and I swear you have my schedule. One good thing? I am never bored.

2. I broke with up with the boyfriend. I could sit here and list a million and one reasons but truth of the matter is that I was looking for an escape since the moment I said yes, I'll be your girlfriend. I think he is an amazing guy. I loved our time together and I think it was great because we had no expectations past the summer. Or rather- I had no expectations so I ignored any signs he was showing. As usual I becoming emotionless elmira and realize that I'm trapped and want out. It's not fair to say that I always get claustrophobic in relationships- but if I get in them to make you happy.... it's going to be a problem. I've got to stop doing that! Anyhoo- we both realize that if we were to do the relationship we need less stressful life roles. Either I need to go back to my old job or he needs to become a houseboyfriend. Since neither is happening any time soon- ciao.

3. As to my **ahem** emo-ness this week. My bad yo. Sometimes I get caught off guard by people and you get to hear about it. Consider it a privilege. Caught off guard and drunk are often my clearest moments. Which I will later deny if ever asked.

4. Eff the socratic method. If you call on me once and I have the answer- MOVE ON. I swear I'm lucky I'm cute cuz today would have been awkward.

5. Although my 2nd bff getting married this week is a little unsettling- there are some FINE dark skin men in the 2L and 3L classes. Oh how old habits die hard :)

Men with Girls- and the women that like them.

I met this guy over the weekend and it was like **boom** a click as sharp as a seatbelt. He was fine. We didn't necessarily agree on everything but I liked that. We were able to just chat and chat. He made me laugh repeatedly. He smelled amazing when he leaned in to give me a hug (all three times) and errr did I mention he was fine. We exchanged numbers... it was good. And pow. I find out he has a girlfriend.

In another corner of the world my friend Tara knows this guy and knows his girlfriend. He's consistently downplaying his relationship and Tara keeps trying to keep her foot from stepping in the bullsh*t. One late lonely night and it's a cuddle session and the two of them only know what else.

Finally, Laura has been sleeping with Ben for at least two months and that was six months into their relationship. Two weeks ago Laura heard from some friends about Ben's fiancee but she hasn't been able to help herself- she's still seeing him.

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What do all of these ladies have in common. They've fallen for guys who are unavailable. Now I'm sure the first one (my personal situation) is not that big of a deal. He's just one guy LMS- surely you can fix yourself up and find a replacement. Sure. I'm certain that's true (although he's been on my mind like crazy) but that doesn't fix the bigger issue at hand...

There is something wrong with these guys in a relationship and something not so right with the girls that like them.

I'm not sure if it's the overabundance of girls, the sundress phenomenon, or the inability of some humans to love just one other human but somewhere along the lines guys have just not been able to hold tight to the faithfulness that a relationship requires. I'm sure it happens to women too but this #swindle is just for my fellas this time. Why is it that it's not enough to just want to be with your girl but to need to wind other girls into your twisted scheme? Why not just say -errrrm- end it with your girl and find something else to occupy your time until winter? Are you worried that when it's time to hibernate your snow bunny won't be around anymore? I mean I just wish somebody could explain it to me. I'm not talking about the guys who meet someone platonically and they are so much of a fit for you that you just want to leave your significant other but there is something that's keeping your bond together. Nope- not yal... although there's a special place in karma hell for ya. 

I'm talking to the men who have what they need and just want the extras around because they can. Or she's pretty. Or better yet are afraid to commit. What.is.the.deal.

And my ladies. my laaaaadies. Are we that hard off that we can't help but think of/dream of/sleep with these guys who have made commitments to other women. Wouldn't you be mad if some chick was scheming on your relationship? I wish I had the answers to these. I wish that right now I wasn't feeling the "eff karma and eff your relationship- I want you" feeling that I have right now. I wish that this entire post wasn't a message to me but it is.

Why?

How does one say bloody hell in french?

Mexican Margarita: You have an understanding of types. You guys can just accept what makes you so frustrated about the other person and still hang out.

Little Miss Sunshine: The fact is that we're the worst communicators with each other on this planet and we both are avoiders so instead of actually dealing with the issue til it's gone we'd rather push it back til it rears it's ugly head again. it's sick.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the fact in a nutshell.... i'll expand on this tomorrow.

The Second Choice Act of 2010

So there's a guy I'm kinda feeling- GT. By kinda I mean that when he's around it's exciting- when he's not I'm not stressed over it. My perfect "kinda." So after a confused saturday (filled with the inability to pick up the phone and call but instead confused ourselves into a tizzy via multiple misinterpreted texts)- we were chatting today (via text AGAIN) when he informed me of something that I've known all along- I'm a second choice.

Now when I first told my cousin Soli about this she was all chikitita you need to drop him like he's caliente. Which normally I would agree with if I wasn't second choicing him myself. I really see him as temporary entertainment. He's cute. He's funny. He's smart. but he's temporary. Given him or Terrence I'd probably pick Terrence (ok more than probably). When I really think about it- everybody the past few years (minus Rupert) has been a second choice. Can't be with him? O-k-k-k I'll pick you.

It's an awful place to put people in and it's not right because ultimately you end up comparing Man #2 to Man #1 and even if Man #2 is awesome- you'll take the shortcomings he didn't even know he had out on him. I've tried to be cognizant of this in choosing potential partners but I'll admit I'm coming up quite short. I think it's even gotten so bad that I've been selecting guys who can't measure up (no pun intended) because I don't have to worry about them swooping in and taking his place. Which at this point is both counterproductive and not much fun. It's also gotten bad enough that much like GT- I've picked guys who can act as a temporary substitute when I need to break the mode.

It's another one of these Little Miss Sunshine's good advice but lack of compliance examples. Story.Of.Life.

Random Musings...

Nobody I've seriously liked has been someone new. They've all been guys I've met, decided I wasn't attracted to, friended, and then became attracted to over time. So I refuse to be downtrodden if my dates turn out to not be worth my while.

Mmmmm. Sex. Mmmmmm.

I wish I could on vacation with a guy for a few days to a nice island where we can wander through small towns, and take walks late a night, cuddle on the beach, and kiss in the moon light.

Mmmmmm. Vacation Sex. Mmmmmm.

Lance and Reggie single? It's about to be a harem in the streets.

Mmmmmm. Lance and Reggie Harem Sex. Mmmmmm.

Clearly my next date will be from a guy I meet on the train. I've met 4 guys on the train this semester. Might be an idea there.

"I guess I'll see you next lifetime...."

Did I mention sex??

A horse is a horse is a horse- of course!

Petite updates for the crew...

Cancelled my date with "Howard"... he's cute but he's super busy and i'm super busy. And I'm no longer feeling him.

Terence is showing back up in my radar- of course it's only to ask for something. I'm trying to keep cool and be nice but urrrr I am not your personal 411. Really. Get a grip on yourself.

I saw Preacher on the metro today (well rather he saw me and jumped into the seat next to me) and let me just say- how could i forget how CUTE he is. Geeeeze Louise! Well I texted him today after like 6 months of us not speaking so we'll see how that goes. He gave me the tinglies and I was kinda phasing back to the cute times we've had. Le sigh. I hope I'm not getting soft.

and last but not least I've been in constant contact with Andy/Rupert and let me know today in our 2 minute wrap up convo that he has stopped seeing his latest "female friend." Won't say I'm excited but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't refining the look of my engagement ring... **holds out hand**

Trust me.

Everyone says I tend to overreact... I wish they would just know that I KNOW when I'm right.

All The World's A Stage...

Act 3, Scene 29.

(It's early in the afternoon and a young black lady sits in front of a computer with her hair in a prim and proper chignon to match her outfit. On the other end is a young white man in a blue striped button-up, half unbuttoned leaning over a computer ruffling his hair.)

Me: So umm... how are things. You know, over there and stuff. And um... well. her.

Andy-Rupert: Yeah well, we're still.... dating.

Me: good to hear...

Andy-Rupert: I suppose.

(The two stare at each other through computer screens for a brief moment. The young lady excuses herself and walks out of the sightline of the computer to do a jig.)

End Scene.

If..

If my emotions were written into a poem it'd be quite long

If they were weaved in a fabric it'd be a million fibers strong

If they were encased in a few musical notes it'd be the sweetest song.

more on this tomorrow.

A social experiment...

I'm not sick of being single but I'm sick of being alone. Capisce?

My friend L and I constantly complain about the lack of attractive (to us), single, educated men (we are colorblind)... but I just can't believe that in the big ole little city of DC that there are NO men out there. I think that rather we haven't been looking in the right places- after all our routine is pretty cyclical- metro, work, metro, class, metro, home-not good for meeting men (although I have had some luck they just aren't the ones that I'm trying to meet). Plus add that ever since the forcible removal of Terence (and the lack of action for the rest of my team)- I'm gearing up to revamp my roster.

Thus I am thinking of starting a little social experiment for me and my girl L. In the month of february we shall explore DC's supposed hotspots for meeting eligible bachelors and I will report back what occurs. Who knows maybe we can get a good meal and conversation out of this- or at the very list some funny stories for yal. I'm going to list some of the suggestions made by friends but if you have anymore please pitch in!

Social Experiment Mapping Plan

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Congressional Softball Team (way to meet cute staffers)

Sports Bar - RFD

Happy Hour

Coffee Shop

Speed dating

Ivy Plus Alum events

Friend referrals