heck.to.the.yes.

Good thing New York loves me.

It all ends up being the same anyway...

So I was trying to figure out whether or not I was going to elaborate on my cryptic messages over the past week or talk about why I'm in relationship limbo but I figured that if I did the latter the former wouldn't make much since later on so- and away we go.

*******

I'm sure I've mentioned before- my friends are forever teasing/warning me about how nice and forgiving I am. I always thought that forgiving was one of these good things that we're suppose to be working on (not for the good of others but for the good of ourselves) but who would ever think that it would come with a fault. A big one.


I loved him. I loved him like he was flesh and blood to me. I always wanted to protect him, to make him happy, to keep him from pain- after all he was my friend, he was one of my closest friends and it just felt right to be there for him. But I would be lying if I were to say that there weren't times when I wanted to strangle him. When he let his mouth run ahead of his thoughts and he insulted me, or when he ignored, or was ridiculously mean to me. But like family- you don't have to always like them- but you will always love them. What happens then when the parts you hate of someone gather in greater number than the parts you love? What do you do then? It used to be that I would ignore it and hope that something good would come along or I would bore of being angry and my mind would change- and I'd go back into my perfect little fairytale.

Something struck in me the other day though- I hit my stop measure and I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped. I made a rash and sudden decision. I got rid of our contact on every media I could think of.  I then sat around for a weekend and thought about what I had done and wondered if I regretted and I hadn't. I still don't. I think that by consistently forgiving that I gave others the permission to run me over and then became surprised when they did so. I'm not sure what I did to make him so angry that he would stop talking to me (I can only surmise and even that barely makes sense to me) but that action gave me the sign I needed to just get up an walk away.

Do I think he's going to come in to save the day? No.

Do I think this is truly the end of this friendship? Yes.

                                                                                                          Do I feel good now that there's a solution? No.    

It feels a bit more like I lost my brother.  

Goodbye Cruel World...

I swear my life is one big snowball of fuckery.


Like it goes from a snowflake of unfortunate events to a full out effing ball of fuckery.

And it's only me I swear. It's only me. Like I must of been the black widow of friendships and relationships in a former life and karma is messing with this one (which if you ask me is unfair because I can't remember killing people)...


I'm taking a break from life.

Here comes trouble....

If you are who your friends are...




well in some ways I am MIGH-TY fucked.

And just like that... poof.

Sometimes you wake up one morning and just don't feel anything. anything at all.

no anger.
no hate.
no sadness.
no indifference.



a person just exist- and it's at that point that you can gladly say goodbye.



I'm not simply talking about relationships.

The thing about the truth is this...

don't ask questions you aren't prepared to handle the answers to.





somethings in life are quite simple if you let them be.

It Ain't None of Ya Friends Business: The Case for Keeping Shut

Picture it-Sicily 1922....

But really... remember when you were little, on the rug in the classroom and your teacher wanted to tell you about the perils of gossiping? How everyone sat in a circle and the teacher whispered something to Mike, who whispered something to Susie, who whispered to Akili, and by the time it got to Jack it sounded like something else? Well imagine that it's 17 years later and what you said to Laura was spoken to Ann who talk to Don who then told Sam... same result. Telephone is the funniest game in the world when you're a child and a potentially dangerous one when you're an adult.

It's for this reason that I am now a strong advocate of keeping your friends out of your relationship/potential dating dealings. Not to say that you can't use your friends to get at guy on their FB friends list (oh I've seen it done) but actually telling someone your thoughts on a situation can back fire in your face. I'll use a personal example- I relayed a story and my feelings on it to a friend. I put the situation at strength 3. She took at strength 5 and translated to another friend as such. This friend then took it from 5 to 7. So by the time the story got back the person the topic was about (and myself) it was on code 10. and Oh I mean code 10. Now realizing that it was at a code 10, neither me nor the topic of my conversation took to talking directly, instead we picked up the mythical "telephone" again and let stuff escalate.

I think if I had kept my mouth shut about the situation I wouldn't have the drama that I'm currently dealing with now. I think at most I would of had a level 4 and that's perfectly fine. My telephone situation isn't the only reason to keep your friends out of your business sometimes- but sometimes your girls are wrong. A lot of my friends call me for advice on situations but truth is I'm not always right. This is fine for those that always take advice with a grain of salt but the fact of the matter is very few people do. Especially if you're sitting in a hen situation (men do this too) where everybody is talking about the topic and building off of each other. You start off slightly ticked with your boo and then realize that when you lay down that night you're steaming. Nothing has changed but the word of your friends. Some are legit and see things for what they are, some have their own baggage their translating to you, and some... well some don't qualify as friends and just want to "hate" on you and your relationship.

Point blank period. You can't control what happens once something leaves your mouth. But you can control what you take in and what you put out. And sometimes- friends just don't need to be privy to that process.

Just one...

If there is one thing I hate in this world it is being the last person to know something... oh and one more thing I hate- friends who sit by and allow me to be that person. I'm trying to hold it together but this is going to be a rough week. Indeed.

Something Like Amazing.

It's amazing how a little information can change a mind. a perspective. usher in a realization.

It's amazing what people will say when they think nobody is listening.

It's amazing. amazing.

For My Own Damn Good

I've got a random collection of musings...

a) exes are exes for a reason. when those reasons involve extreme asshole tendencies- i should frequently remind myself of so. Especially before accepting airport dinner dates

b) does weight affect dating? twas a topic of conversation today on titter and let me chime in quickly... being a plus sized lady myself (don't you hate that word? I prefer plumplie) I haven't heard to my face that a guy wont' date me because of my size (save for a friend of mine who pointed out in a random conversation that the largest girl he would date was a girl who turned out to be about 3/4 my size- not that he would be the top of my dating list anyyyway but still **ouch**). Am I certain that it's probably decreased some of the pull I've had- sure. Is it something that I'm aware of and working towards fixing- sadly yes. But not for guys. For my love of fashion that after my last "pound pile on" has escaped me a bit. I'm not one of these chicks that say- well my man is going to love me no matter what size i am- because I wouldn't love my boyfriend if he gained a large amount of weight and I wouldn't date someone who was much more larger than I (in less it was muscles). So since I've said before I don't ask for what I'm not- I guess I have to get down to what I'm asking for.

c) I'm shy. Now that does affect my dating and it often turns guys off. I get hit on a lot and usually in places that I'm not expecting and I get kinda nervous about answering and conversing (especially if he's cute)... I'm working on it because I don't want to seem off putting and snobby (which is how I'm sure it comes out).

d) I often put people into molds they cannot fill. I was telling my friend that sometimes he says things that I find to be hurtful and at times borderline cruel (see b) and yet he doesn't see them that way and I wonder if I just have too much hope for our friendship. Like deep down inside I've been hoping that he'll understand when somethings are out of line (at least by the time we approach our 10 year friendship) but then I wonder if I'm asking him to be something he's not. Maybe he's just not the kind of guy who is going to give a f!@& and I need to recognize that and decide if I can deal with that and we can be friends. It's truly not fair for me to put a burden on him to change who he is fundamentally. I need to learn that. Sigh I guess today is just a list of things I need to work on huh?

Only In A Perfect World

Me: I said I was going to wait until I was 28 but erm it would be nice to have a non "official" man

J: You and this part time lover

Me: you would think that it would be so easy but men at this age are all about the relationship. sheeesh. Maybe my boo needs to be 45. recently divorced.

J: and with a viagra prescription

Me: well my part time lover can most certainly be different from my part time boo. lover can be a young thronxington bursting with stress he needs to pound out after a brutal work day.

Me: boo can be a lonely man looking for the company of an attractive, smart, young woman.

Me: oh in a perfect world.

Lions, Tigers, And Bears...

ALL of my friends keep asking me what would be so scary about giving Terence a try if he wanted to give us a chance. I couldn't quite put my fingers on it but tonight while talking to some of my girls I realized....

I don't believe in fairy tales. He does.

In a serious relationship I'm not looking for my white knight (no racial) to sweep me off my feet and make me feel like a princess. Maybe if I'm casually dating I'm looking for someone who keeps my interest and sometimes that includes being Mr. Romance or Mr. Benjamin (i'll introduce him next post!). In a serious relationship I'm looking for someone that I can build a future with. Someone that I can see myself respecting the covenant that we created under the eyes of the Lord. Someone that I trust to not just have the "nature" input into our kids but the "nurture" too. Someone who won't cheat me and someone who makes me not want to cheat.

He's not like that. He likes the Cinderellas and the Snow Whites. The unicorns and the gnargles. The late night phone calls, romantic dates, i love you texts and fireworks going off everywhere.

What I'm really afraid of I guess is that I can't give him what he wants/needs and honestly there is very little that I would do to change me to fit him.

My friend and the psychic...

So I was talking to my friend Aubs over the weekend about how I like being single right now. It suits my lifestyle, selfishness, and time schedule. I just could really use a body in bed sometimes- not like that. I will admit to enjoying a good cuddle every 6 months or so. Anyhoo- she suggested that what I needed was in fact was to find the right guy who I'd wanna take from part-time to full time position.

ummm si se dices pero....

I like being single! Why is it that people find it so hard to believe a woman wants to be single? I don't wanna call it a double standard but sometimes psychology beats biology my friends!

---------------------------------------------------------

In totally partially related news Aubs and I went to do some fooling around with a psychic the other day (what can I say we were traveling through Georgetown and she was doing readings for $5) and she zeroed in on my love life (personally i'd rather talk about my finances - or lack of) saying that my next boyfriend was already in my life and I was just ignoring it (okay lady thanks for the specifics). As soon as I thought that she gave them to me and said that I was so busy giving all the reasons that it wouldn't work that I ignored the reasons why it could. That could be interesting IF I wasn't fine being me, myself, and I right now.

Maybe I'll see her the next time I get finnicky and want a boo- I'll let her point him out.

Squad Up!!

If I never say anything else about my guy friends let me just note...

Every girl needs a good guy friend (or an A-team as I call J, Dre, and Chris) who just tells it to her straight no sugar coating. And every guy needs a good girl to tell him when he's just being someone ruled by his lower half. I appreciate my team because I can take any and everything to them and get exactly what it is that I need to hear and not just what I want (not saying my girls do this but guys tend lack errr tact). So today I send a message out to my team (cuz I know you three read it) and say thanks for being you. Even during the times when I wanna...