They call me mellow yellow....

A friend of mine tweeted his color personality so I decided to do mine. Yellow is my FAVORITE color...


The color of happiness, wisdom and imagination, Yellow is chosen by the mentally adventurous, searching for novelty and self-fulfillment. Yellow usually goes with a sunny and shrewd personality, with a good business head and a strong sense of humor. It is the color of intellectuality and all things to do with the mind. Yellow folks are usually clear and precise thinkers who have a good opinion of their own mental capacities and who have lofty ideals. They may at times tend to shun responsibility, preferring freedom of thought and action.Yellow represents the color of the sun, vitality, power & ego.. but it’s not a great indicator of romance.  Watch out for self-centered, “me first” energy when someone prefers yellow to the rest of the rainbow.




Ha! Me self-centered in a relationship? Who could they be talking about? Not the girl who decided she'd rather be single than think about giving her up career... 


of course this is me. 

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams...

I love a crush as much as I hate a crush.


Half of me likes the game and the figuring everything out. How excited you get about witty banter, and disguised text. The other half of me is like oh ALRIGHT already!

Then a realized the part of me excited to move forward is the part of me that lies in my skirt.

I'm really trying to think with my heart and not with my head or my loins but dammit- those two are aggressive little personalities and my poor heart sits in the corner like a kid who just ate paste.

I guess we're all just little works in progress huh?

Po Lil Tink Tink

Little Brother is the summation of my life right now:

"I want a girl when I want a girl. And when I don't want a girl I want a girl who understands that."

I'm starting to get those lil inkles of human companionship that pang even the most stone cold heart every now and then. I wouldn't mind someone to hang out with, watch march madness with, kiss, fall asleep with at night. But I know it's not where my focus should be if it should ever be there. I vowed to myself that I was career first at all cost and I can't stop til I get to where I need to be- to be comfortable in who I am.

Nevertheless good to know I'm still human.

Like Beyonce said...

I'm going to try to do this real civil like but I'm heated and the wounds are fresh but.... sigh.

Preface: I don't deny who I am. I never have. I'm cute but I'm no 10. My body isn't perfect but it's mine and it certainly does the job. I don't think that being pretty or having a banging body gives you special rights above everybody else. But neither does money. All of that just makes life easier but if you're horrid, burnt, and ugly on the inside eventually all that other ish fades away. I try to keep this in mind when I interact with people.

So Sugar Daddy aka C.Benji and I have an interesting relationship. We don't have sex, we do kiss despite my internal opposition at times, but we do spend time together when I'm in town. We dated for a few weeks until his true nature became clear and I decided that he was really just of friendship material. Nothing personal- he's just not the one for me and I don't see the point in wasting anybody's time when he's getting old er. So since I've been home this break we've done some hanging out, lunches, sleepovers, etc. but despite his subtle and not so subtle hinting we've left it at a step after platonic but a mile before anything else. So today he sent me a text complaining about how we don't hang out enough so I said I would stop by after I left my friend's event today so the convo went like this.

LittleMissSunshine: hey i'm on my way over

SugarDaddy: Oh- I'm headed to the bar with my boys- i thought you weren't coming in til 2.

LMS: Yeah it ended early but that's cool. I'm just going to head home and I'll call you in the morning.

SD: Why in the morning? Why not just come over when I leave? I'll call you on my way home

LMS: Umm no. By the time I park my car and get in the house I'm not going to want to get up, dig my car out, and drive up north. You can pick me up when you get done.

SD: **sighs** you just live so far (sidebar: I live right outside of Hyde Park)... and the boys want to get wasted tonight so I'll probably cab it home anyway.

LMS: Ok. No issue. We'll just catch each other later.

SD: So you'd rather stay at home than to stop being little miss bougie and dig your car out of the snow. It really should not be that serious.

LMS: (getting quite annoyed)Well if I was a guy with a shovel perhaps not, but it took me 30 minutes to get my car out earlier and I'm not doing it again if I go home. So you can just enjoy wrapping your arms around a pillow for tonight and I'll see you tomorrow.

SD: ha! you think if you don't come I won't have another bitch over? you kill me with this self important shit. you always want to act much prettier than you actually are.

LMS: ** quiet** well... I guess you can enjoy bitch #2

SD: you really kill me. trust and believe you'll call me before I call you. you're going to need me before I need you.

LMS: ** hangs up phone**

you've gotta be kidding me. I'm 23 with a bright future ahead of me, you're 31 and still single with no sight of a woman falling in love with you for who you are not what you have. I don't need you. The only person I need are my parents. I may have wanted a guy but I have never needed a guy and most certainly if I'm going to pick one to need you don't even come close. Boy sit down.

just call me ebenezer...

bah.fucking.humbug.

In case the memo was missed I'm not at all in a good mood right now. Not angry more like morose. Yes morose. I should of been born a robot because this being human shit is for the cot damn birds.

Re*al*i*za*tion: the instance or result of realizing.

I have a habit of giving great advice. I'm logical with a spoonful of emotion and I love to take things from all sides when making my decisions and thus giving my fantastic advice. I also have a habit of not listening to this exact same instinct that guides that advice. Ignore the little voice screaming warnings and the tap on my shoulder for Little Miss You Should Know Better (madre to Little Miss Ut-Oh).

Unfortunately I've done it again. I've ignored the glaring obvious and tried to pin my thoughts on our little friend Hope. I knew the truth (well I guess it's what I expect is the truth) and I sat around and convinced myself that he was shy or that something about me/us is just difficult for him to deal with (not that I ever make things easy)... today I told 2 of my best friends that I've come to the decision to just drop it because I keep thinking about it. And of course that's what I go to bed thinking of. So I wake up in a rush this morning having had this horrible dream in which I woke up with the sudden realization that I wasn't doing anything more than spoon feeding myself a wish.

I kept thinking that perhaps as his age grew so did some semblance of maturity but then I realized the advice I'd give anybody else.... he showed who he was back then and as Coolio once said- "ain't a damn thing changed but only the year."

The world is coming to an end...

Make it stop.

And Everybody Says Girl Why Can't You Just Leave It Alone...

Forget sex, I invented hiding emotions. I have a box down in the pit of my stomach that I keep under lock and key. when it's no longer convenient for me to care about someone or something I take the feelings and bury them in this box never to see the light of day again. It has a downside- I can be a bit uncaring and rude but it's all in an effort to make sure I don't lose sight of my key. But then there are those trying time in life when I realize that I'm not the best keeper of keys (just ask how many Duke IDs I had in undergrad...) and perhaps I've given a few or lost a few and others have picked them up....

enough of the metaphors though.

I like to get rid of those things that make me awkward and often irritated- namely feelings. So it's an absolute horror story when I notice out of the blue that my little box of hidden emotions has been leaking and I'm starting to feel those things I put deep within. Now I'm at the point where i'm second guessing every decision I'm making and needing confirmation that I'm heading down the right pathway because pathos is not logos, and it's the emotions that get me in trouble. I've been trying to ignore the signs that he's sending, trying to clean up the signs that I'm sending and in the process driving myself a bit up the wall. I guess if I were to learn a lesson from this it would be that you have to deal with your feelings in an emotionally mature way and not hide them because the truth will come to light but...

when have I ever listened to myself?

Title Courtesy of Ne-Yo's "Let Go"

Been a long time- shouldn't of left you...

It's been a WEEK since I've blogged last I feel kinda weird like I have untapped stores energy and emotions. Blame it on midterms- I've been swamped with exams, projects and PAPERS for the past two weeks so it's been rough. I promise I'll have a blog either tomorrow or saturday about interracial dating (which of COURSE I'm a fan of- otherwise I wouldn't exist!), til then I'll give you a cartoon that is pretty much a sneak peak into my current dating situation.

Title courtesy of Aaliyah "Try Again"

Best I Ever Had?

I haven't had a long list of partners- in fact I don't even need a pair of hands to count them on but I don't think that means I'm inexperienced. I guess that really comes down to whether your consider quantity over quality or even your definition of 'quantity' (partners? amount of times doing the do?)...

This being said I can easily identify the all-stars and the one that needs to be benched for the rest of the season (i.e. LIFE). One of my guy friends protested my ability to make a ranking system of guys, some mumbo jumbo about being ethical and being the best "for the moment" - bah. But I think it's pretty universal that you can know whether or not a partner deserves a standing ovation or a razzie award. Now I can't say for sure that I can put an a-z ranking order on guys but I can tell you the valedictorian and the college drop out. And for guys who think this is unfair (I'm not going to say it's because you've been ranked at the bottom of the totem pole...) just think about what it means for your success. If Katie and Keesha hadn't heard about your skills from the streets do you still think you'd be getting those "thronx me tonight" text messages and honesty box posts? No. They know because somebody told them that you were good at what you do. On a biological note rankings exist for the same reason stereotypes do- your brain just can't take the information overload. So you brain categorizes to simplify and make life easier for yourself for future reference. Think about it, if you weren't able to mentally assign some score to your sexual partner would u know whether or not to have sex with them again? once again- nope. You should be thankful for that.

So if I need to call Tio for that spine re-aligning BBO or Kingston for his tear producing tongue skills than so be it- don't blame me, blame my evolutionary mental faculties.

Pussy's only Pussy and I get when I need it...

Yeah I know Drake said it about women but I'm going to say it about men. For the most part I will admit to treating men like dick (or tongue rather) and not like human beings. I go back and forth more than a windshield wiper in a storm. I like him today, I don't like him tomorrow... I think my bff and I use to call it Man-ADD back in college. I just CANNOT focus these days- my mind has a short memory span and those closest to it get the attention.

For the most part I've always treated guys as temporary objects to fulfill a certain need (food, orgasm, company, etc), and most of my friends would say I probably still do but what's the issue with that? I mean I get that there will be a long term issue that will arrive when I decide to settle down and all of the "good men" that I've used and tossed away like an old hankie don't wanna be bothered or are already married (at the rate my classmates are moving-sheeesh)but until then- what's the harm? Why can't guys be like buses?

Anyhoo I digress as this post was about ME. I think that the biggest issue I have when it comes to love is a) Hard Shell b)Man-ADD c) "pseudo" only child syndrome.

So from the top... My first significant relationship involved a guy I fell head over heels for and it worked until he went to college and well- distance didn't make his heart grow fonder. So to get through the pain of being hurt by him I just decided that I was gonna become a hard shell and just use guys when necessary and move on. So now that I've grown up and began these so called adult relationships a big part of me just doesn't believe that I can give my heart to a guy and not have it jumped on. So I don't even really try anymore.

The progression of my hard shell kinda made me look at guys differently and now I can't really focus. I'll like this guy for a week or two (maybe even a month if he gets lucky) but then I'm just kinda looking for something else or someone else does something that catches my eye. It makes me feel kind of bad cuz there are some genuine guys who deserve a longer look but I just can't do it. I find something wrong about the guy and I harp on it til I've gotta find someone new. I'm working on it- k?

Finally- I'm not an only child. In fact I'm the oldest of 4. But I'm at least four years older from my next sibling and as kids he'd rather play with my sister (who is 2 years younger than him) so I spent a lot of time alone as a child. In plain letters: I like being alone. I don't like cuddling (ok ok with some guys), and I really don't like sleeping with other people. In fact for the longest time (up until about 6 months ago in fact) I believed that my perfect marriage involved separate bedrooms or at least the 1950's "let's push the beds together to bang" situation. I thought my weekend boyfriend was a genius idea because it allowed me to be with someone and then take my space when it was over and gear up before our next rendez-vous. As much as I'd like to think that as I grow and errr mature that'll change I'm thinking nah.

Why you ask?

Cuz dick is only dick and I get it when I need it.