It Ain't None of Ya Friends Business: The Case for Keeping Shut

Picture it-Sicily 1922....

But really... remember when you were little, on the rug in the classroom and your teacher wanted to tell you about the perils of gossiping? How everyone sat in a circle and the teacher whispered something to Mike, who whispered something to Susie, who whispered to Akili, and by the time it got to Jack it sounded like something else? Well imagine that it's 17 years later and what you said to Laura was spoken to Ann who talk to Don who then told Sam... same result. Telephone is the funniest game in the world when you're a child and a potentially dangerous one when you're an adult.

It's for this reason that I am now a strong advocate of keeping your friends out of your relationship/potential dating dealings. Not to say that you can't use your friends to get at guy on their FB friends list (oh I've seen it done) but actually telling someone your thoughts on a situation can back fire in your face. I'll use a personal example- I relayed a story and my feelings on it to a friend. I put the situation at strength 3. She took at strength 5 and translated to another friend as such. This friend then took it from 5 to 7. So by the time the story got back the person the topic was about (and myself) it was on code 10. and Oh I mean code 10. Now realizing that it was at a code 10, neither me nor the topic of my conversation took to talking directly, instead we picked up the mythical "telephone" again and let stuff escalate.

I think if I had kept my mouth shut about the situation I wouldn't have the drama that I'm currently dealing with now. I think at most I would of had a level 4 and that's perfectly fine. My telephone situation isn't the only reason to keep your friends out of your business sometimes- but sometimes your girls are wrong. A lot of my friends call me for advice on situations but truth is I'm not always right. This is fine for those that always take advice with a grain of salt but the fact of the matter is very few people do. Especially if you're sitting in a hen situation (men do this too) where everybody is talking about the topic and building off of each other. You start off slightly ticked with your boo and then realize that when you lay down that night you're steaming. Nothing has changed but the word of your friends. Some are legit and see things for what they are, some have their own baggage their translating to you, and some... well some don't qualify as friends and just want to "hate" on you and your relationship.

Point blank period. You can't control what happens once something leaves your mouth. But you can control what you take in and what you put out. And sometimes- friends just don't need to be privy to that process.

Lessons from Gossip Girl

Now I will be the first to admit that television is not always a source of good advice- especially a show about the lives of the rich/bored/dramatic. Tonight however Blair said something Chuck on Gossip Girl that resonated with me- that you can't pretend like an event/relationship/emotion never happened. You won't move on and moving on is about you not him(or her). Sometimes it's ok to cry and revel in a feeling for a while and then when you're ready to move on- do it. I couldn't both agree more whole heartedly nor feel a certain renewed sense of self.

weird I know right?

I think I've been refusing to deal with the fall out from my feelings by simply telling myself that they don't exist. But they do exist and ignoring them is only repressing them. I may not cry about (i've tried- i'm dry as an old well) but I can't sit around and pretend like he didn't exist or wasn't a significant portion of myself. I've got to face it- the good and the bad and prepare to use that to fuel me to move forward. Being stationary right now is just as bad as moving backwards. And that ladies and gentlemen is TRULY all I am going to say about him.

Monogamy= Agony???

All men are not against monogamy. Don't believe me- check it. In the same vein we know that all women are not pro-monogamy either. But why? What is so bad about monogamy.

Absolutely nothing.

I'm sure that some will argue that if you truly love someone you don't have to worry about being dedicated and devoted to your partner but let's be honest- that's bullshit. It doesn't work. It won't work for 99.99% of the population. Like every other aspect of a relationship- sole commitment takes work. I've previously stated in my cheating post that I have had one relationship in which I was faithful. I can even pinpoint why- it was important to me, despite the difficulties, to remain committed to someone that I wanted to be committed to me. If I felt the urge to kiss someone else- I sat myself out and thought about the repercussions. What would my boyfriend say? Even better how would he feel? How would I feel? Is a moment of lust worth giving up everything I'm fighting for? My decision would usually fall under not worth it or just break up. And we did. A multitude of times.

Despite my history- I support monogamy. I support making difficult choices in the face of easy situations. I understand that your partner will make you mad and that lovely buxom lady at the front desk has such a great ear for listening but you have to realize that a relationship is more than just the here and now. You're together with someone for the purpose of deciding on making a life long commitment- not just to get regular pumps. If you feel like that isn't enough to make you stay faithful to your partner- the thought of building a lasting partnership- then you shouldn't be in one. point blank.

My best friend used to call me at insane hours of the night telling me about his urge to bang the millions of ladies who were all on him once he crossed his fraternity, but how conflicted he was because he truly loved his girlfriend. I told him that he needed to either let her free and bang like a rabbit or realize what he has and work on figuring out why it is so important to let her be the only one. After all - I'm sure he would of burst a blood vessel if he thought that she was out running up with half of UPenn's campus. It's not just a one way street. I'd also like to point out that after one failed infidelity attempt he realized what he had done- worked his behind off to get her back- and they are getting married in July. He's told me so many times that thinking about how she walked away from him, how other girls were just there for a passing moment, and how difficult it was to get her back has solidified for him that she's his rock.

I support monogamy and you should too. It saves money (ask Nas), lives, careers, families, and just makes you feel all warm inside. All I ask is that the next time you get the urge to cheat on your significant other think about what you have to lose and make smarter choices.

Unthinkable: girlfriend versus wife

I got a text message once from a guy I was interested in letting me know that he didn't see me as "girlfriend material." Won't lie- it hurt.... bad. But after the crying and the "Smoking Cigarettes" on repeat ended I was left with some thoughts.

I think that I'm girlfriend material. I actually thinking I'm good girlfriend material. Am I wife material? nope. I still have a lot of growing to do (professionally, mentally, and SURELY emotionally). But can I be there or my boyfriend to support him, uplift him, teach him, and listen to him? yes. Am I willing to learn from the lessons he gives and our relationship provides? yes. Can I be faithful and commit myself to a relationship that allows us both to grow? yes.

Those I think are the basics* behind a good relationship foundation. A foundation that when created and maintained and built upon in a strong relationship lead to a strong marriage. I can do these things. I do believe however that marriage adds a bit of practicality to things. Can you cook, clean, rear children? Can be responsible with money, bills, time? Ultimately can you fully submit to your partner (and the deep level of trust and respect that is enacted in that commitment)? In terms of my personal self? nope. In additionally to being a sure simpleton in the kitchen, I haven't learned the art of submitting to my man. One such example would be my adamant refusal at this point in time to take my husband's last name. A favorite of mine mentioned to me Monday night that she was excited to take her finacé's last name because in addition to it uniting them- it represented her move from her past to her future. From her father's house to her husband's house... and while I can't say that it changed my mind it certainly made me sit down and think about what giving up your maiden name truly means. But I'm still not there yet. I don't mean submitting as being subservient but moreso as the bible instructs in Ephesians 5:22, 24:

"Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands... for the husband is head of the wife... Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in everything."

Not the submission in the sense of master and slave but of a woman who recognizes the ability of her husband to lead but still be his partner. To work in the same direction and not in a self serving manner. I'm not there yet. I'm still feeling out who I am, where I fit in and I can't work towards the permanent building of a home if I can't find someone to share goals with. I certainly can't share goals til I pick them but I can work with someone to figure out what my goals are. And that ladies in gentleman is what makes me girlfriend material.

and you know what- for now- I'll take it.

Katt Williams is on to something...

Not sure if everyone has seen the Stacey Dash/ Wendy Williams interview where Stacey admits that she had to have a man tell her she was beautiful...

UMMM WHAT?!?! <--- I'm pretty sure encompasses the a majority female responses to the clip (hence why it made so much of a splash on the blogosphere). Stacey Dash is amazingly beautiful. Her body is on point, her skin hasn't cracked, her hair is fly. She looks at 44 what most people want to look like at 24 (or am I just speaking for myself here? lol). But finally she cracked... she admitted that despite how she might look to others- to herself she wasn't beautiful enough. When I first heard it I thought of the Katt Williams quote where he said "Bitch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your mothafuckin' self. How am I gonna fuck up how you feel about you..." Not knocking Stacey Dash or anything because we've all had those moments where a picture, a comment, the ending of relationship, or an ill fitting dress made us question ourselves- even if only for a moment. But that's where it needs to stop. For a moment. If you're so focused on your flaws that you can't recognize what you have- it's going to cause an issue for you that's greater than a relationship. It's going to cause issues with your respect for yourself, how you go about your day, and in some cases it can create true friction in your psyche.

I guess that since this is a relationship blog of sorts I can say that it does turn into who you attract. A "5" girl can look like a "7" with confidence just as easily as a "7" girl can look like a "5" without it. I keep this is my head when I realize that I can either shirk away from my physical issues that I find hampering or I can celebrate those things that I find wonderful (the latter outweighs the former)... and those things that I find bothersome I'll work on fixing. Until then...

Perhaps Katt Williams is on to something- you decide how you feel about you.