Different Shapes- Same Cloth...

A friend and I were talking today and I mentioned how I was soooo physically attracted to this guy K. K is someone that I wouldn't normally go for based upon looks but we seem to mesh really well and he has 95% of the qualities that I would find acceptable in a mate but those other 5% that he has means we would never work. I considered it sure but at the end of the day all I really wanna do is.... well that's not safe for daytime television.

Then there is T who I want to kiss and snuggle and hold hands but he's emotionally vacant. My friend reasons that I'm so physically attracted to K because he has the qualities that I would like to fold into T. The honesty, the open communication we have, etc...

Guess that means I'm not exactly over it huh?

For My Own Damn Good

I've got a random collection of musings...

a) exes are exes for a reason. when those reasons involve extreme asshole tendencies- i should frequently remind myself of so. Especially before accepting airport dinner dates

b) does weight affect dating? twas a topic of conversation today on titter and let me chime in quickly... being a plus sized lady myself (don't you hate that word? I prefer plumplie) I haven't heard to my face that a guy wont' date me because of my size (save for a friend of mine who pointed out in a random conversation that the largest girl he would date was a girl who turned out to be about 3/4 my size- not that he would be the top of my dating list anyyyway but still **ouch**). Am I certain that it's probably decreased some of the pull I've had- sure. Is it something that I'm aware of and working towards fixing- sadly yes. But not for guys. For my love of fashion that after my last "pound pile on" has escaped me a bit. I'm not one of these chicks that say- well my man is going to love me no matter what size i am- because I wouldn't love my boyfriend if he gained a large amount of weight and I wouldn't date someone who was much more larger than I (in less it was muscles). So since I've said before I don't ask for what I'm not- I guess I have to get down to what I'm asking for.

c) I'm shy. Now that does affect my dating and it often turns guys off. I get hit on a lot and usually in places that I'm not expecting and I get kinda nervous about answering and conversing (especially if he's cute)... I'm working on it because I don't want to seem off putting and snobby (which is how I'm sure it comes out).

d) I often put people into molds they cannot fill. I was telling my friend that sometimes he says things that I find to be hurtful and at times borderline cruel (see b) and yet he doesn't see them that way and I wonder if I just have too much hope for our friendship. Like deep down inside I've been hoping that he'll understand when somethings are out of line (at least by the time we approach our 10 year friendship) but then I wonder if I'm asking him to be something he's not. Maybe he's just not the kind of guy who is going to give a f!@& and I need to recognize that and decide if I can deal with that and we can be friends. It's truly not fair for me to put a burden on him to change who he is fundamentally. I need to learn that. Sigh I guess today is just a list of things I need to work on huh?

Dream a little dream for me..

My friends will tell you about the early morning texts/BBMs/IMs they get from me about my latest dreams. Now I might check my horoscope at the end of the day, and I've done the tarot thing once or twice (or so), but I do believe in dreams. I mean how hard is it to believe that your mind deals with things that your conscience won't deal with in the day? Anyhoo I digress...

So I when I first started to have some inkling of feelings for my friend I would have these cutesy little dreams of us hanging out and kissing which amplified the thoughts I was struggling with in the day time. I realized perhaps it was real- I liked him for real for real and my head was confirming the fact.

Then as the time went forward and I tried to get my friend out of my head (and OH how I tried) my dreams just upped the ante with these UBER emotional dreams of cuddling, and dancing at a wedding (we were attendees not bride and groom)... and I woke up really happy til the reality of life slapped me in the face.

Finally I picked up the resolve to realize that our friendship was greater than any interest I might of had/have. Many thanks to a good friend who helped me see that I'm just too finicky (or as another great friend put it 'coquettish') to attempt to pursue a relationship that could turn out long-term- because I'm just not a long-term gal. Truth be told I never saw us in my dreams as long term. It all kinda just faded out after law school.

I think it's because I'm really just not long-term right now. I'm in companionship 101 mode and being selfish and as a good friend to him I know that's not what he needs and for me to even say something like that would be rude, inconsiderate, and down right not friend like. So I spent the last week spacing myself from him in order to get my mind right and do what was good for him and us and not just me.

So I had my first dream about him yesterday during my nap and it was a sex dream! I jumped up and down cuz it was amazing (the dream was good too hehee) because I think I've decided that I was just looking for someone to cuddle, kiss, and spend time with and I just kinda blurred the roles with him because he fulfilled some (if not all) of the requirements here and there.

It's interesting to me the way dreams can pull out realizations.

A day in pictures...

Sometimes I get violent inclinations even when I have nobody but myself to blame... I'm dealing lately with whether or not to tell someone that I have feelings even when I know the answer and even when I agree with the answer. But I'm not one for changing the natural order of the way things are right now... I feel like a pouty 6 year old who just can't seem to get her way these days. In that spirit:

no title necessary.

what to do when you can't decide what to do?

When you don't know if the truth will set you free or set you back. When you could easily lose it all as you could win it. When going forwards is just as easy as going backwards.

Oh what to do when you can't decide what to do?

I'll Close My Eyes, Then I Won't See...

I just want it all to stop. I am so tired so tired of it all.

Tired of the dating and the relationships, people getting married and having kids, and mostly falling for guys I shouldn't and not falling for the guys I should. Sometimes I feel as though I'm a disaster train heading straight for the cliff and I'm the only passenger on it.

My ex came into town and I practically RAN from any type of conversation concerning us and the future and if we were going to get back together. I was able to hold off until the end when he asked me about the next time we were going to see each other and I said that we should take it little bit by little bit. I didn't want to hurt him at all but sometimes I feel like I need to listen to my head and not my heart (per my post a few days go). That's not the only situation where my heart is winning the race and even when I try to stop listening to it my head just kinda lays down for the fight - like Marquez Saturday night. My heart takes over my subconscious and sneaks into my dreams and I'm happy when I wake up until I realize that it was just a dream and I couldn't even go there if I tried.

Sometimes I just want the world to stop spinning so I can just sit down and clear out my head. This isn't a call for Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now.. this is a request for everyone else to just stay away.

Title courtesy of Prince "I Can't Make U Love Me"

And I heard 'em say...

Rumour has it our dreams reveal our hearts deepest desires.... personally I think it's alcohol.

On a related note: shoutout to my dear dear friends who keep me from "say[ing] something where you gone end up apologizin"... specially when i've been imbibing on that "nectar" I owe you much much much.

Title courtesy of Kanye West "Heard 'em Say"