Well everybodys talking like i'm crazy
Dangerous and lazy girl with no soul
But i've seen it all from where i'm hiding
Baby cause i'm sliding, out of control
- No Good Advice, Girls Aloud
I'm the oldest child and the smartest child but I can surely use the guidance of others. In steps my friendly knight in white armor - Chris. Without going through too much of our history I had a crush on him it never occurred and when we both moved to D.C. we ran into each and began hanging out- platonically of course! He is one of the greats in life and he manages to be able to give great advice from career to love... the latter being why I called him over today. We get together occasionally when one of us has a particular need and we just talk it out over a bottle of wine and some delicious dinner. Usually his cooking unless it's tacos- that's my speciality!
Today I called an emergency meeting because I just wasn't feeling the way my life was headed... It just seemed like mistake after mistake, bad judgement after bad judgement. Men, boys, and everything in between. I was blurring the lines of friendships like they were drawn with watercolor pencils and falling into my paintings, I was just dropping into a dark pit of doubt, self hatred, and recklessness and try as I might there just appeared to be no escape. I needed him.
After spending nearly 45 minutes spilling out every single ounce of what's occurred since I left DC in May, he simply looked at me and laughed. Albeit not the answer I was hoping for- something more along the lines of pobrecita or oh mon pauvre bébé- but I was intrigued. He said he was laughing because it was something so simple that he's sure I had thought of it and dismissed it because I'm always looking for a difficult answer to my problem. The simple answer (according to him) is that I'm lashing out from a relationship ending that I haven't dealt with and I'm looking for the quick fix to my problem of being alone. Often times this void is filled with intimate choices and more likely than not these choices of intimacy neither fill the void (necessitating more intimacy) nor serve as anything more than a temporary high.
In my friend I finally found the acceptance that I had been seeking from him albeit not in a way that was lasting or meaningful. In others I found someone(s) who wanted me as much as I wanted them- if only temporary... and I was doing it as way of reflecting back the mistakes of my past relationship. In my last relationship I was accused of not caring, of not showing affection, and I think that lately I've be going about trying to silently change/fix what my ex had said about me- but in the wrong way. Chris suggested that I just take it a step back and focus on myself and not be so "thirsty" to be a we until I can figure out how to be a strong me. He also suggested that I give guys who truly deserved my attention a try which means I should probably stop trying to push away "J." Advice I truly needed to hear and advice I truly need to take in...
Title courtesy of Kanye West "Big Brother"
